I don’t have my own identity so dating and sex are never satisfying

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Hi VICE,

I would say my dating life is pretty good, especially when compared to the guys around me. Every week I have a date and we usually end up in bed together. Otherwise I’ll find someone at the club I can have a good night with. I recently met someone in a coffee shop.

Such a one-time date is rarely committed. I usually become good friends with the people I date. Only: It doesn’t get any more dangerous than having sex a few times. I guess that’s because I’ve never done that fact myself on such dates. As a result, communication never feels sincere.

This is not a new problem for me. Since I was little, I have conditioned my personality to who I want to be friends with. My mother is as well. I learned from her that people want to be friends with you if they like you – and you do that by being what they need to be in that moment.

This is how I enter relationships: I see what a person is like, and then I become one. This is especially the case with dates: with someone I’m a cynical intellectual, with someone I’m a no-fuss stoner, and with someone else I’m a reliable, hard-working partner. I enjoy it when my date says things like “Where have you been all this time?” , but then I don’t think what I think of history at all.

This also manifests itself in my sex life. Because when I have sex with someone, my only goal is to do what they like—what I want, I don’t think about it. As a result, I am still always dissatisfied. It can also feel very lonely.

It may sound dramatic, but the more I went on dates, the more I felt like I was disappearing. Sometimes I wonder if I have a personality You have. I don’t know how to make honest connections. All this is affecting my love and my sex life more and more, while I am longing to share my life with someone. How do I discover who I really am — and what else I like in bed?

Greetings,

c.


Welcome.

To start with: it shouldn’t be a problem at all that you don’t know who you are yet. There is no timeline for when you get a file The latest version It should be yours – if there is such a thing at all. It is in psychology Many different theories It’s about when exactly someone gets “personal,” but the bottom line is that it’s completely normal to have different priorities at different points in your life, and to be affected by your environment, work, and even the media you consume. Life changes, you keep getting new experiences and you too as a person are constantly changing.

But: you say it bothers you. You feel like you’re disappearing, that many of your connections don’t feel sincere, and that sex just doesn’t give you satisfaction. What is the best way to handle this?

According to Yuri Ohlrichs, NVVS sexologist and coach at Rutgers Knowledge Center, you often see that in a relationship—whether it’s long or very short—there’s a lack of balance, as one adjusts to the other. While this is sometimes a good thing, Ohlrichs also finds that it can damage the adaptive person over time. “It’s also important that your happiness and self-esteem not depend on someone else’s compliments,” he adds.

Now try to focus on yourself first. “It’s good to be considerate of others, whether it’s in your relationship, during sex, or in your daily life,” Ohlrichs says. “But the most important thing is that you also have fun.” One way to do this – and this may seem obvious – is to think about how you are when you are not with someone else. Don’t think of clichés or personality types here, but think about what you like to do, what you do to relax, what gets you going or keeps you up at night. “Also think: What would you like to tell about yourself on such a date? And also: What do you find attractive in another person?” Ohlrichs adds. These things don’t necessarily define you as a person, but they do help you get a clearer picture of where you’re getting your fun and energy right now. Let yourself go on a mission, even when it comes to your sexual desires. Masturbate, try something, inform yourself and don’t be afraid to discuss these things with your sexual partners. You don’t have to be an expert on everything right away – just take your time.

Ulrichs stresses that you don’t sell anyone short by thinking of yourself. In the end, you get to have the most valuable relationships (with loved ones, but also with friends) if you dare to be real. It is then precisely that you attract people with whom you can develop a deep relationship. And while a game of crying with a random person can be a lot of fun, you may have especially good sexual chemistry with people with whom you have a deeper connection.

It’s also good to remember that it’s okay not to everyone’s taste. You indicate that you enjoy when someone sees you as an ideal partner, but if you like to make honest connections, you are guaranteed a date that simply doesn’t click. “Then use those dates to your advantage,” says Ulrichs. “You can gain a lot of new insights about yourself through contact with others: Why don’t you click? You can also easily apply this to the rest of your life: the more comfortable you become with who you are in the moment, the better you will be able to choose where you prefer to put your energy. “Experience makes you more real,” Ohlrichs adds.

“It’s nice to hear that you’re the missing person from someone’s life. But that’s not sustainable, especially in long-term relationships, because there will come a point in your relationship when you also discover the less subtle sides of each other,” Ohlrichs says. “If you expect to always be someone’s perfect match, it can be very difficult for him to digest if he tells you at some point that he doesn’t like something.”

It also doesn’t hurt to know where this behavior is coming from. You can do this through a good conversation with friends, or with the help of a coach or therapist. For example, are you afraid of becoming lonely if everyone doesn’t like you? You may have low self-esteem, which makes you feel like you are never enough. Or maybe your view of what it means to “have a personality” is a bit distorted. The personality can’t be reduced to a type like “cynical intellectual” or “involved partner” – you’re probably being guided too much by what you see in movies or on social media.

You might also come to the conclusion that this empathetic chameleon personality is simply who you are (now): someone who loves meeting new people, who is always looking for new ways to enrich themselves, who cares about how someone else is doing and who likes to reinvent themselves over and over again. And that’s okay too. As long as you feel that you can be yourself, your connection with others will also become more comfortable and authentic.

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