Relationship difficulties due to past abuse

After a troubled life of abuse, Vicki meets Rolfe. She learned to trust him and after several years they got married. However, her mischievous past continues to play tricks on the couple. The birth of their son puts a huge strain on the relationship. Vicky does not trust Rolfe with their child. They tell their story honestly: “He was not allowed alone, I was afraid he would mistreat him.”

Startup Warning: This article discusses abuse.

Since her early childhood, Vicky has been abused by many individuals. At the age of sixteen she ends up on the street. She leads a troubled life and eventually ends up in a home from my body at the age of 29. There a counselor asked: What do you want? “It just blew me away,” Vicki says of that period, “and everything seemed to stop.” “I didn’t want to be afraid anymore, I didn’t want to be raped anymore, I wanted to learn how to love myself. There began my search for recovery.”

to treat

Vicky is revealed to have PTSD, anxiety disorders, and multiple personality disorders and is admitted for treatment. During creative therapy, I met Rolfe. At first she is not at all interested in others, but with time she heals and becomes aware of her surroundings. Rolf catches her eye and makes her feel love at first sight. “He had a safe look. In his eyes, I felt right at home.”

Rolfe invited her to his birthday and brought her home afterwards. Then I invited him for coffee. You should expect nothing of me, said I, for most men expect more than coffee. Then Rolf said, “I’ll go home, and then we’ll have that coffee again.” This gave me a lot of confidence. After a while he sometimes fell asleep, but then we fell asleep. Rolf even wore a thick jogging suit at first, to give me confidence.”

I had a great desire to touch Rolf, but I had a lot of experiences in the beginning when he touched me

A few years later, the couple gets married. Vicky is still receiving therapy to process her past. “I had a great desire to touch Rolf, but I had a lot of experiences at first when he touched me. Then Rolf noticed that I was hardening. Then he said: Let’s go for a walk. With this he helped me again here and now.”

problem with confidence

However, Vicki finds it difficult to fully trust Rolf. “In the early years I always thought: One day Rolf will hit me. Then I will piss him off to see if he will hit me. Seven years later I find out he won’t. Only then can I be myself.”

“Our starting point was: I dare to marry you, because we choose each other every day. I want to grow old with you. We agreed. We have a lifetime to work on each other.”

Relationship difficulties

When the couple is happy with a son, difficulties arise again. Her past plays tricks on Vicki and she finds it very difficult to trust Rolf with their child. “He wasn’t allowed to be alone with him,” says Vicki. Nor was he allowed to bathe him. I was afraid he would mistreat him.”

Vicky’s distrust causes problems for the marriage. Rolf: “You have to build a relationship with your child, you won’t get a chance to do that. It was very hard for me. Then we almost broke up.”

With the help of a therapist, Vicki Rolt also learns to trust this point. “They arranged for a male supervisor to bathe our son with Rolfe. I found that very difficult, but it helped,” Vicki explains.

Through our son I have learned to forgive myself. You do not offend such a weak child.

The eventual arrival of their baby also helped Vicky in the healing process. “Through our son, I learned to love myself more and forgive myself. Because you wouldn’t abuse such a weak child. It’s not the child’s fault. I’ve healed so many things with him.”


Vicki: “I’ve always believed that there is a God who loves me and will help me. I think life is so hard for a lot of people. But I really believe in love. I had my little boy in my arms and then I thought: ‘This is a pearl and this is how God sees me too’.”

I’ve always had faith: I’ll get through this. That is why our son was baptized, I wanted God’s love in his life.

I have learned to forgive, including my offenders, and not to stay angry. I think it’s a miracle that I’m still alive and that God put such a nice man in my path. We only had a 10 percent chance of conceiving a child and yet having a son. I really see that as a gift from God.”

Dealing with past abuse

Finally, Rolfe has another piece of advice for dealing with a partner with a history of abuse: “Be patient, and I want you to be patient with yourself and your spouse. If you don’t want it, it really stops. It takes a long time to gain trust.”

Heart to heart

Vicky and Rolfe talk candidly about the difficulties in their marriage on the Hart to Hart podcast. You can listen to this episode below or on your favorite podcast app.

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