“Eva always said she understood if I wanted to find someone else for my sexual needs”

“Eva and I benefited greatly from couples therapy a few years ago. It was then that I fell in love with another woman. In the end, this situation brought something good as well as a lot of misery. As a result, we started talking to each other more and better and spending time Fun together in recent years, even after Julia left home. Only: the problem we could not solve after that, the difference in our need for sex, still played a role. Eva’s commitment to sex remained with me. Occasionally, perhaps once every two months, it happened That, but even then I felt it wasn’t really necessary for her. She did it for me, which was nice, but not really what she wanted as a man. Especially after moving on, it was painful for her sometimes. Of course I didn’t want that either. I had She said more than once that she understood if I found someone else for my sexual needs and that she would try to accept that. But I knew she would have a hard time with it. It shows.”

“I met someone with whom I started a relationship. I wasn’t looking for it, but I think I was open to it because of Eva’s lack of intimacy. I didn’t tell them right away, but Eva soon realized something was going on. So when I asked about it, she admitted. Sincerely so. I immediately added that I wouldn’t leave her because I love her, but I didn’t want to give up on that other relationship either. I don’t think it should be a threat to our marriage. Quite the opposite. The relationship with that other woman has something to do with physical attraction. I enjoy making love She’s with her and she’s enjoying it too. I think the fact that I don’t walk around is frustrating anymore, because I somehow blame Eva for rejecting me in that area, which reduces the tension between us. Eva is my wife and my best friend.

You’re also likely to demand everything you need in that one relationship with a man or woman too much. Eva and I discussed this and she said she wanted to accept it. However, we now note that this is almost impossible for her. When she knows I have a date with my girlfriend she gets sad and scared and that makes it hard for me too. I don’t know how we’re going to get out of this, but I know I don’t want to give up on that other relationship.”

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“I want to accept it, but I find it very difficult. I can’t understand that you’re in a relationship with someone who only cares about sex. I really don’t think Eric is that way. He himself has always told me that what matters to him is intimacy and love and that sex is an expression of that for him.” “In the beginning of our relationship, I also experienced that between us, but after a few years it became clear that Eric’s need for sex was much greater than mine and that I could not satisfy it. This created a lot of tension between us. Eric often felt rejected by me and I felt guilty for my failure. He He wanted to make love every day, and he thought I should know why I was gradually developing more and more reluctance to make love.”

We have tried to make arrangements; That we make time for each other and have sex once a week. But it didn’t work out, because Eric didn’t want to make love if I didn’t feel it or didn’t enjoy it anyway. He wanted me to identify what I liked and try some more to find out. The problem was that I didn’t have an answer to the question of what I liked. Yes, I loved snuggling on the couch or getting a hug from him. But I eventually avoided that, too, because Eric always wanted more. We discussed this with you in therapy and things improved for a while. I was glad that Eric chose me at that time and broke up with his girlfriend. We really went through a period where we realized how much we loved each other and chose each other again. Sexual matters also improved.

But as I entered menopause, making love became more and more painful. Eric didn’t want to hurt me and then the intimacy stopped completely. Then I thought that, given his age, he might be starting to think sex is less important too. But then all of a sudden I saw the same things that I saw during his crush on the other woman. He also immediately acknowledged someone’s presence, but immediately said he didn’t want to stop. He obviously means it, so if I don’t want to lose Eric, I’m going to have to live with that. But I don’t know if I can.”

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It wasn’t immediately clear to me what Eric and Eva were asking of me and what they could expect from our conversations. When I ask about this, it turns out that there are also some differences. Eric hopes that with those conversations Eva will give him space to continue contact with his girlfriend and she won’t be so sad about it. Eva hopes I can explain to Eric that it is not possible to have a sexual relationship with one woman and a romantic relationship with the other. What they expect from each other and from these conversations is a different feeling. However, you can still change the behavior if you wish, but you do not have direct control over the feelings. You can just examine it and try to understand it and share that with each other. We don’t have a button to turn our feeling on or off.

I am investigating with both of them how much they can accommodate each other in terms of their behavior and what effect it will have on how they feel. In addition, I help them share their feelings about the relationship with each other and about the relationship with his girlfriend. It helps Eva to hear from Eric what the relationship with his girlfriend means to him, and especially what she herself means to him. She tries to understand that he can have a good time with this woman sexually without wanting to share his life with her. He already shared this with Eva. With her, a common past, a child and common interests. This helps Eric not to see Eva’s questions about what his girlfriend means to him as control, but as a way to allow him to stay in touch.

As far as their behavior is concerned, it helps that they make good agreements about what Eric does and does not share with Eva. They both realize that it helps in this difficult situation to also go the extra mile for each other and their relationship. In addition, Eva seems to show more initiative to be physically intimate with Eric, perhaps because the idea that she has to fight to win him back motivates her.

Eric and Eva’s relationship seems to survive these difficult circumstances, by showing more concern and love for each other. When we close conversations they are in good spirits.
I have my suspicions because in all my years of couples therapy, I’ve rarely seen couples who can handle having a third person in the relationship. They should be there, but I didn’t see them, probably because they didn’t cause a problem and therefore didn’t need treatment.
Eric and Eva made their choice to give their relationship and Eric’s call with his girlfriend a chance. This was their decision, and luckily I didn’t have to make it up to them.

Unfortunately, a few years later she heard from Eva that she and Eric had broken up after all. It turns out that it is especially difficult for Eva that the other woman demands more and more attention from Eric.

Annette Heffelseditorial

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