The importance of a good sexual relationship

Gerben and Judith are married and have three children together, when Judith makes a shocking discovery: Gerben turns out to have been having an affair with a colleague. Gerben breaks off the relationship with the colleague and he and Judith begin to look for each other again. Gerben seems to have very different needs than Judith when it comes to intimacy and sexuality. How do they bridge these differences in desires?

After the birth of their third child, Gerben and Judith reached a point where they became significantly apart. Small children and busy work ensure that they have little time and attention for each other and live a little after each other. Gerben: “I met a really nice co-worker with whom I could tell my story and one thing led to another. It resulted in him cheating for a year and a half. It wasn’t good and at the same time it showed that something was very wrong with our relationship.”

After the birth of their third child, Gerben and Judith reached a point where they became significantly apart. Small children and busy work ensure that they have little time and attention for each other and live a little after each other. Gerben: “I met a really nice co-worker with whom I could tell my story and one thing led to another. It resulted in him cheating for a year and a half. It wasn’t good and at the same time it showed that something was very wrong with our relationship.”

“Judith found out about my cheating. In the beginning, of course, there was pain and anger.” Judith: “I thought: What do I do? Do I pack up my things and leave? Or do I put his things outside?!”

I thought what to do? Should I pack my things and leave? Or put his things outside?!

In retrospect, there was little concern for each other’s needs

After the initial shock and emotion, the couple realizes: we really need to change something. Partly because of a previous marriage course they had once taken, they discovered that they both had a very different view—and very different expectations—of their sexual relationship. Gerben: “We completed a survey there about our relationship — and also about our sexuality. Judith scores something like a 7 on that and I’m like a 2. Quite a big difference.” Judith: “As far as I’m concerned, everything worked as it should, but in hindsight there wasn’t enough attention to each other’s needs. In fact, Gerben needed a lot on a sexual level and I needed a lot more on a communication level — in terms of being A true connection with each other.”

When asked what Gerben was lacking, he replied, “You can call attention to it, but I can describe it better as: the desire to be desired by your wife. I wanted Judith to recognize my need for sexuality and try to fulfill it. It doesn’t just make you feel respected.” As a man, but also that you’re allowed to be there and that you’re really loved. Well, for men, it’s better to do that with sex.”

“We really felt that something was wrong between us. I started researching and reading about it a lot, because I felt something had to change on a much deeper level. In the Christian circle, there wasn’t much to be found about sex in the Netherlands, but it was There on the international level. You also have to be selective in a way. I wanted to be true to my principles and to certain boundaries. Anyway, I quickly noticed: This happens to many couples/men. I’ve learned a lot about the masculine and feminine side of sex and how that works in relationships “.

What impressed me was how fundamental the difference between a man and a woman is.

Without an emotional investment, sex becomes “empty”

“What impressed me was how fundamental the difference between a man and a woman is. For example, for a man, the sexual relationship actually comes first, then the emotional one. For the woman the opposite is true. If the emotional relationship is not healthy, it is of no use, simply put. So I learned how important it is to me to invest in that emotional connection.Without that emotional investment, sex also becomes “empty.”

The voyage of discovery brought much to Gerben and Judith. Judith: “It definitely enriched our relationship, but I also learned a lot about myself. Who I am, how to be sexually together, find out what Gerben is like and what he likes. With the freedom and security of individual boundaries.”

Tips for a good sex relationship

Gerben has another piece of advice for men: “Honestly, many men are unhappy with their sex lives. I would say to them: You can only improve it by not focusing on your sex life. Your wife generally needs something else. If you take the whole relationship to a higher level Sexual activity will naturally follow.”

Adds Judith: “Surely not all Christians have been taught that you can enjoy sex. There are still a number of topics to be released. Sexy lingerie? Okay. You’re not like a slut or anything. Guys like to look at you, so leave the lights on. Lots Many women struggle with their self-image at that point, while a man sees that as just a beautiful woman. A woman may also look for what makes her happy.”

What else did Gerbin and Judith learn and how this process went, they frankly tell on the podcast Heart to heart. Relationship therapist Julie Sharon also tells us about the lessons couples can learn from Gerben and Judith’s story. Listen to the episode below or on your favorite podcast app.

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