Nobody knows that I’m sorry for my daughter

“The low point came when Jayden was about a year and a half old. One morning the three of us had breakfast, and Martine left for the office and Jayden and I started the day. But while getting dressed, Jayden didn’t cooperate. On the changing table I couldn’t get her arms in her jacket and continued kicking in my face.After a few minutes she screamed so loudly that she turned red.She gave up and sank to the floor in despair.I looked around and sat among the clothes, dirty diapers, baby wipes and toys, while my daughter sat crying on the dresser.Shivering Her tiny shoulders, and she was as distraught as I was. I could no longer be a mother. I closed my eyes and wished that Jayden would dissolve into nothingness so that everything around me would calm down. I wanted to be alone and take a shower, or watch a series in bed for hours and drink a glass of wine whenever I felt the urge. He wasn’t a baby for a while, no family for a while, everything was back to the way it was before you came.

Always the same ritual

I woke up from my thoughts How could I think this about the little girl sitting there crying against the wall? I got up and tried again. But it looks like a button has been pushed. I wanted and couldn’t anymore. I worked routinely for the rest of the day. Shopping, eating, playing, napping, going to the playground, cooking, and putting our daughter to bed. Every day was the same and I had enough. It seemed so much fun being a full-time mom. We didn’t want to become parents who would leave the care of their children to others. So I quit my job and vowed to be the perfect mom to Jayden. But it didn’t work. I was alone and empty. The sparkling, energetic Ilona I hadn’t seen anywhere else.

She was responsible

The thought that I had completely lost myself had never left me since that afternoon. From now on, I was just Jayden’s mom and my life revolved around her. But did I want to? I also had a life of my own, right? The life in which you traveled, went out to dinner, took spontaneous trips and spent hours lounging in bed with Martijn? Because of Jayden, this is all over for good. More and more dark thoughts fell on me like a blanket. Suddenly I felt disgust for my daughter. She was the reason that I lost myself, that I was constantly exhausted and my relationship with Martijn became routine.

good conversation

During the day I no longer bothered to put on makeup. I walked in the same clothes for days and watched TV while Jayden was sleeping. Martin was in the office and didn’t notice anything. The fridge was stocked, the house was clean and food was on the table for the evening. You were the perfect wife and mother to our family. But inside, I was broken. I played with Jayden less and put her back on autopilot. Fortunately, my mother-in-law saw it. During an unexpected visit, I was startled by my miserable appearance. Jayden was upstairs and just woke up from her nap. She cried, but I didn’t hear her. The crying turned into screaming, until my mother-in-law stepped in and pulled her out of bed without a word. I drank the tea and smiled gratefully. She asked me and took my hand: “It’s not going well, is it?” In fits and starts I told how lonely I was. And about the confusing thoughts that I had. For the first time in a long time I felt heard and seen.

Learn to let go

My mother-in-law immediately took action. She insisted that I speak to Martijn and that I babysat Jayden three times a week for the time being. I didn’t have to be a perfect woman. It’s time to choose myself. You assured me you could do that with Jayden. We are now a year later, but I am not there yet. Martyn still refuses to give Jaden shelter and I don’t want to burden my mother-in-law too much. I still sometimes think: what did I start with? The perfect picture is not for me, no matter how hard I try. I find motherhood difficult but I can’t blame Jayden for things not going the way I would have hoped. It gets better step by step and I’m learning to let go of that perfect image. Maybe I’ll be back to work soon. Until then, I’ll enjoy what’s there.”

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