Sex against your will is not okay. Not even in a relationship

Compulsive sex because your partner wants it so bad, the atmosphere is different or more wanted: it happens more often than you think and of course it’s crazy.

“Sex began to hate me more and more,” says Jolie (38, married for ten years). “It felt like an obligation. I was dead tired, having to keep all the balls in the air: kids, home, work. All I craved was relief when I lay in my bed. The worst part was that my husband started to build up pressure. At first, she was Subtle hints that he wanted sex, and then just loudly asking for it and when I couldn’t bring myself to do it, he got so angry that the atmosphere in the house was awful. I often finally gave in to get the shit out. But she felt anything but okay.

Nikulin (40) is aware of this: “ I had a relationship for twenty years. If there was no sex for a week, my boyfriend would get pissed off, start fighting, and say we really had a problem: that I was asexual and his previous partners made sense every single day. When we met I was very young, had almost no experience in sex and relationships. He was ten years older than him and I looked up to him. Many times I began to think that there must be something wrong with me, because he was always in a mood. I even went to the doctor to check if something was “wrong” with my hormones.” When Nikulin talked about it with friends, it turned out they had similar experiences. One friend said she would go to the bathroom with her husband first thing in the morning and then give him a hand job or She gives him a blow job. It’s done in a few minutes and then she can go on with her day. Another friend said she told her husband, “Okay, go ahead, but I’m going to keep reading my book.” We both laughed a lot about it, but of course the situation was too sad for words .

Therapeutic relationship specialist Ross Boyer knows this from her practice. This is particularly the case with straight couples. The dynamics are different between a man and a woman than between two women or two men. Men are hunters by nature, and they want to procreate, while women have less of this need. Especially if there are children. A partner who wants intimacy will threaten and demand frustration. This is not good. Sex against your will is not okay. Not even in a relationship. Not only do you not have to do anything physically that you don’t support, claiming and blaming ultimately gets nowhere. In a distasteful atmosphere, the other goes on the defensive. You have reached a dead end.

Psychologist and relationship therapist Jean-Pierre van de Vene also believes that claiming sex goes too far. This is a lack of communication. to be entitled to something? Claim something? What are you doing, I think. You are just undermining your relationship.

Beginning of the End
OK, but what do I do? Ellemieke’s husband (35, married ten years) literally said “entitled” when she indicated she wasn’t in the mood. In the end, Ellemieke decided to hold “Poke Evenings”. Every Sunday night she had sex with her husband. He’s been saying it for years: He had rights. I didn’t want to, because our relationship was so difficult, it wasn’t a problem. In the end I just did it, just to get rid of the inconvenience. One time it was so good I could go along with it, the other time it was just switch and go. After that he was always in a better mood. Very special how that worked.

Boyer has an explanation for that. After an orgasm, oxytocin is released, a hormone that makes you feel happy and happy. However, this joy is short-lived. Then the whole circus begins again. It is not a good idea to be asked for sex, she asserts, but there are two sides to this story. Everyone needs intimacy and a sense of connection. And whoever asks about intimacy and does not grieve about it, he will grieve, but he who is not able to do it will also grieve. By nature, we all want to feel loved. For example, it is disturbing to think that men only want sex. There is a difference between making love and sex. Making love has to do with intimacy and men also want to make love to feel a connection. Another bias is that men are always in the mood and women are less or not at all. I also know enough cases from my practice when a woman is in a more moody mood than a man. In any case, if the partners cannot agree on this and begin to “demand” it, then this is the beginning of the end, because they indicate that you are not connected. However, so is the lack of intimacy. This is the other side of the story. Then sooner or later he will play that cute secretary or tennis teacher. Therefore investing in intimacy is very important. Because sex is part of it, according to the therapist. If this does not happen automatically, then some form of communication is missing. The family business often runs at full speed, and the focus is mainly on the children. But parents forget that they are also husband and wife. partners from each other. You often see women completely losing themselves in motherhood. this is shame. I always say: give yourself that you may also be a woman.

But yeah, this is easier said than done. How do you do that exactly?

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