Why do so many people fall for “fuckboys”?

Chasing down inaccessible men was an essential part of my life until I married one. The 29-year-old journalist, who liked to be mentioned under a pseudonym in this story, said she always clung to every “charismatic boy” she came across.

For Akriti, this was any man who had many female admirers, who also seemed to want her, but who was also aloof and uninterested in her – someone she could not count on.

As Alison Stephenson said in her 2016 article for VICE, How I learned to stop worrying and love FuckboysHe explained, “fuckboy” is a term largely adopted from the black community. The definition of the term was originally “a perfect combination of ‘bass bitch’ and ‘slut,’ two swear words men rarely hear” but which later became “any (usually straight) man who is in some way a problem,” as Helen Merrill Thomas points out in her article VICE 2020 The Az of Fuckboys.

Now it’s important to make it clear that anyone can be guilty of “fuckboy” behavior – fuckgirls, fuckpersons, or gender non-conforming fucks. They are also capable of hurting and rejecting their sexual partners. But the thing about power and how our society is put together is that it generally blows in one direction, and one group of people wields all the power in the vast majority of cases. Gender inequality and the way we’ve been conditioned to socialize often makes it easier for men to pull off odd behavior than it does for women. This also explains why men with an active sex life are more often congratulated for it than because of it, unlike women.

Akriti is about to file for divorce from the man she has been living with for ten years, to whom she has been married for four years. According to her, he was the boy par excellence—emotionally unavailable, self-centered, aloof, and someone who really enjoyed female attention.

Akriti said, explaining why Always fell into fuckboys. “Simple” is the man who compliments a woman who barely cares about him; “simp” refers to behavior that makes a person appear simple. This ranges from being overly considerate to just being really creepy. Simps is different from fuckboys because they put a lot of effort into it.

“I want to play a little bit of a game where you don’t know everything for sure. I always tell my friends that if it’s not for some brawlers, it won’t be fun. From that you can infer that I’m probably the most toxic person in my life.”

Now that Akriti is back again after nearly a decade, she has to admit that she falls into the same patterns again. In a sense, you’ve accepted that the men you fall in love with are always smitten.

Take care of your childhood

According to psychiatrist Era Dutta, if we want to understand why some people are drawn to fuckboys, it can be helpful to learn more about attachment theory and the behavior patterns we learn as children that will determine how we respond to others, and especially how we relate to them. They act as adults navigating romantic relationships. It can also help us understand how and why fuckboy become who they are.

To give some context, attachment theory was formulated in the late 1960s by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, and later expanded by psychologist Mary Ainsworth, who identified three attachment styles in children: secure attachment, insecure attachment, insecure attachment, and insecure and avoidant attachment. . • Adhesion repellent. Nowadays, four styles of attachment are generally distinguished: secure, insecure-avoidant, insecure-repellent, and disorganized. A person with a secure attachment style is more likely to have healthy relationships. But adults with insecure attachment styles can learn to develop a secure attachment style and improve their existing relationships with it.

“In a lot of cases, fuckboys have an avoidant attachment style because they’re always aloof, act hot and cold, have erratic mood swings, drop love bombs one day and disappear the next,” Dutta told VICE. “They always have some fuzzy lines—that’s part of their appeal.”

To many, fuckboys are, rightly so, assholes who don’t need to be understood and who need to be responsible for their own toxic behavior. But for others, their behavior can be better understood by learning about their past trauma and even looking at evolutionary psychology.

One student who blogged about attending a lecture on evolutionary psychology by social psychologist Azim Sharif wrote that Sharif said that “Men, on average, want more sexual partners, are less discriminating towards them, and are more interested in short-term mating.”

However, Sharif also added the somewhat reassuring caveat that men are also motivated by mating and finding long-term partners. no All Men are the ones who have sex with men, and there are also men who are committed to long-term monogamous relationships.

Why do we often look for the ordinary

The 31-year-old social media expert, who will be referred to only by her first name in this story, said the girls who were attracted to her were manipulated and controlled, showing no empathy. She also said they were misogynists of varying degrees, often relentlessly belittling her, making her question her choices, and believe she would forever depend on them.

Why did she like it in the first place? Ria believes this is largely due to the problematic books and films she consumed when she was young, which shaped her image of what “love” was supposed to look like.

“When you look at the things we’re exposed to, toxic relationships are glorified,” she said. “I myself have been a big fan of comics and chick flicks where the biggest asshole always goes for the hottest girl, and where the prettiest girl falls for the extraordinarily quiet boy.”

Rhea added that she’s learned to consider how “severe” a boy is with how emotionally unavailable he is, and that it can be “legitimate” to fix him.

“I think most of us who fall in love with fuckboys also love to fix things. People like me used to brag that we always fell in love with the bad guys because part of us is addicted to being sad. I mean, if I don’t hear sad songs about my boyfriend, am I really in love? ?

Raya noticed that among the girls they fell in love with, there was a big difference between their understanding and respect for women. “that they To understand You sure are, but they will also look for and exploit your most vulnerable sides. “They will gaslight you and make you doubt your self-worth,” she said. “Every boy who has sex has the superpower to turn anything against you. Then you shake your head and think, ‘He should have been a lawyer.’”

Ashika Jain, a psychiatrist, told VICE that we often fall in love with sex girls because we associate them with a sense of recognition. So why are we still drawn to fuckboys who hurt us (and others)?

“Falling for them has a lot to do with your attachment style,” Jain explained. “Suppose someone grew up with unreliable, emotionally distant parents or guardians. This behavior then becomes one’s norm for dealing with others.”

Jain added that as humans we feel safe with what we feel familiar with. So people who have grown up in volatile and unstable environments will naturally gravitate toward similar experiences because they feel “safe.” “Objectivity doesn’t play any role here. These people prefer fuckboys because they know how to handle them, because they grew up with guardians who have the same qualities.”

Creator Anant (24), who uses a pseudonym here because he’s in the closet, has found out that not all fuckboys are straight guys. He said, “I always thought if a confident man wanted me, I should give my all.” “Then they cheated on me, treated me so badly, were emotionally evasive, and I stuck my head in the sand about what it was all about.”

Anant remembers one time when a boy wanted to break up with them when they were in a monogamous relationship for two months. Anant begged him not to leave, even going so far as to suggest he sleep with other people if he didn’t leave Anant. “I’ve done this before, probably because I grew up with a single dad who didn’t have time for me. I saw relationships as lopsided ones based on a power play, so that created a lot of opportunities for the rich.”

Why you need to get out of your comfort zone in your relationship

How do you break the cycle in such a context? That unhealthy sense of familiarity? The first step, Jain said, is to understand — on an intellectual level — that these choices are fundamentally unhealthy and cannot be sustainable in the long term.

The second and more difficult step is realizing the consequences of falling in love with girls, and how this can affect or hinder future healthy choices. “If you fall in love with a smitten boy who asks you to pamper him and check in on him constantly, and who alternates between cold and hot towards you, then you have to realize that this is not normal,” Jin said.

It also helps to be open to experiences with “non-fuckboys”.
“When you find someone who is emotionally and mentally healthy and unlike the damn boy, build the ability to allow yourself to embrace that. Don’t doubt them as ‘too cute’.”

There are many ways you can build the ability to maintain a healthy, normal relationship. While therapy is always an option, Dutta suggests that we commit to developing tools that support us as we recover from and move beyond these unhealthy relationship patterns. “It will feel like coming off the drug. As with any withdrawal, you need to make sure that you are not alone and that you have people around you who care about you, who will always support you and who will not judge you for the choices you made in the past.”

For graphic designer Matri, 25, who only wanted to share her first name, it helped define her limits when she realized during her therapy that all of her friends were “fuckboys” to varying degrees.

“I got out of my last relationship by prioritizing myself and respecting myself enough to know I don’t have to give in to someone just because they made me feel good for a while.”

This article originally appeared on VICE India

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