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Pro-aging expert Wies Verbeek looks up Nouveau’s best body and mind tips and talks to the experts about how to age a little better. This time: How do you revive sexual arousal when you’ve been together for so long?

No one will be sitting nervously laughing after years together waiting for their partner to come back from the supermarket. But what if all the sexual tension disappeared?

We were chatting in a restaurant, me and my girlfriend. Next to us sat a couple who had apparently not known each other for a long time. He sat under the table, caressing her bare legs, and she couldn’t take her eyes off him. From time to time we hear whispers. They asked to share dessert, but apparently they couldn’t stand it anymore, because they put on their coats after one bite and left the restaurant.

My friend sighed: “What a pity I don’t have that feeling with my husband anymore.” “You miss each other so much.” Then we talked about sex and it’s still there every now and then, but it’s hard to find the sheer yearning for each other, the excitement, and the tension. Not crazy per se.

But there is also something between nothing and everything. How can you ensure more sexual arousal and desire in your relationship, even if you have been together for a long time? I talk about this with sexologist and relationship therapist Nynke Nijman, author of De Relatie APK and who is regularly seen in the media as a sex and relationship expert.

Both arousal and sexual arousal are related to stress. Longing for something you don’t have yet, but want. Could there be a longing for someone you already know inside out and who you’ve been with for a long time?

“Yes, you certainly can. The one thing we shouldn’t forget is that in those early months of the relationship, we worked hard to discover each other. We were willing to put in the effort, ask questions, and listen to each other’s stories. Later, we want to serve that excitement on a platter. Silver and not spend a lot of time and effort on it.

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“If you wish, you can awaken this desire, sexual arousal, desire”

What also happens in the first stage is that you suddenly start liking yourself because the other person thinks you’re funny or you tell nice stories. Plus, infatuation causes the release of hormones, such as dopamine and endorphins, that make you miss each other very easily. After a while, this no longer happens on its own. You can no longer resort to this hormonal balance. You will have to research how to bring those desires back to the surface. Well, if you don’t want to, but if you do, you can definitely awaken that craving, sexual arousal, and longing.

How do you do that without having to perform sensual rites or mating ritual dances for days on end?

It is important to first look at your sex life. In the past, you probably had enough fantasies, since you usually need direct physical stimulation of the elderly. Like you used to, you could sit down and manage all kinds of buttons with both of you, but maybe you like something completely different now. Try to find out the solution. Is it foreplay, toy, hard or soft? What exciting memories come to the fore? You really need to make some time for that. Your sex life is constantly changing. Your sex life doesn’t have to depend on your partner. You shouldn’t ask him or her, but ask yourself what you want. When you are stressed or stressed, you are not in touch with your sexuality. Not to mention that your partner can do something with it.

“A small distance creates desire”

Another thing is that we want to find our partner attractive. It’s not just about looks. You want to be proud of your partner. This is usually the case when that person is under his authority, fully immersed in something that excites him or her. And that doesn’t happen if you both sit on the couch every night. Let the other do as he pleases. Give both of you another space. In this way you create distance and through that distance you create desire.

Longing for another also stems from amazement. This is there in abundance at first, but later also there are always parts of your partner that you can discover. Keep asking questions, even the ones you may have asked at the beginning. To what extent are you (still) interested in the other person? By being curious about the other person, things you didn’t know before will come to light. Just like in the beginning, this makes the other attractive.

“It’s an illusion to think that desire and sex, with our busy schedules, come automatically”

Finally, you will have to make time for each other. It’s an illusion to think that desire and sex, with our busy schedules, come spontaneously. Set a date with each other, and now do your best to awaken this desire. We want to feel the excitement and desire again, but we don’t do anything to get it. We are too lazy to have sex. They made the choice to really see each other and don’t assume he’s there anyway.”

How important is sexual arousal to a relationship?

This is very personal. One feels very satisfied with a relationship or intimacy without sex or sexual arousal, and the other is essential. But we shouldn’t make sex and everything that comes with it too important. Compare it to sports. We can say that it is healthy and good, but that does not mean that everyone enjoys it. The same is true for sex.

A good sexual relationship does not automatically mean that you have plenty of sex, but that the needs of both partners are heard and met, and that there is no friction or misunderstanding. That might mean having sex once a month, or once every six months. Both are good. But if you want more passion, excitement and desire, be prepared to invest in it. It is really possible.

Sexy advice from sexologist Nynke Nijman

1. Exciting listening stories

Listen to audio stories and podcasts. A trend definitely worth pursuing. Rouze.me is a good site with short stories that are presented as radio plays and leave a lot to the imagination. It’s also good to find out what you find exciting.

2. Porn as inspiration

On getcheex.com you’ll find videos, podcasts, stories, and tips. Much more elegant than well-known porn sites. For 9.90 € per month, you have a subscription. Don’t think these sites are just for little girls! See it as a source of inspiration. It can give more excitement when you have sex with your partner.

3. Erotica

You will find good and reliable information about sexual arousal and sex on the website depaarsekeizerin.nl. You can also find erotic stories, book tips, Tantra for beginners course, massage techniques, romantic gifts and erotic games.

4. Hot podcast

Recently, the third season of the podcast In Search of Sexuality can be heard on Podimo. In this, Nynke Nijman talks with an expert (experience) about all things sex. This season, journalist and writer Mareth Idema is the usual lady of the table.

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