Monogamy is no longer normal among people in their twenties and thirties. The relationship rule for one partner to satisfy all needs related to love and lust is increasingly under discussion. There’s even a special app that makes polygamy and other forms of relationships even easier.
You cannot get everything you need and want in love from one person. The two friends who were working and defending this position on Thursday evening are sitting next to each other and opposite me at the picnic table at Hannekes Boom. We just discovered Feeld, the dating app for those “open minded” Measures Like minded that facilitates non-monogamous relationships and all kinds of sexual encounters.
Unlike other apps, couples can link their profiles here so others know who they belong to or if they want someone to join them one or more times. You can also create a profile. What is remarkable: in the first few sentences of the profile, users state their desires: “Only here for sex, blessed with a beautiful girlfriend.‘ or: ‘I found a great partner in my boyfriend, but also dating. I also speak Dutch. PPS MFM is my favourite.
The app is used by most urban residents between the ages of 26-30. 35 percent of users are in a relationship and are looking for more, according to figures from New York times.
I remember the conversation I had with F. , Another friend before summer. She’s the same age as me, 28, and her nine-year relationship has just ended. They did not argue, but the “order” went out, like a candle getting a little oxygen. In the past two years, they did everything in their power to stay together, but it did not work out. they broke up. The apartment they rented together was too expensive for one of them alone. Both had to look for other accommodations and both reflected on the nine years they spent together at their own pace.
She’s sitting on my balcony when she tells me she no longer believes in monogamy. She says pretty much the same as the two said on Hannekes Boom: “I don’t think you can find everything in one person. You do?”
In a love relationship, there must be an understanding between two people. At the same time caring, loving and being a safe haven for each other and loving each other. Besides being emotionally good, they should also find each other physically attractive, and there has to be sparkle, and there has to be good sex too.
It is tempting to think that you will find everything in one person. Finding someone everywhere sounds like “how it should be”, but there is so much more to ask. The book was written by Esther Perel, a Belgian-American psychiatrist Erotic intelligence. In it, she explains why equal intimacy does not necessarily lead to a good sex life, when this is the picture that is usually painted.
F. knows that she does not want to return to a monogamous relationship. She already knew somewhere that she wanted more than just her ex, but she did not dare to say it. And she still wonders if it wasn’t so weird. “Am I ‘polly’ now? How do I say that at work? Do people tell you that at work? What do I say to my parents?”
Not surprisingly, people are committed to other forms of relationships such as polygamy, says Haneke de Graaf, a researcher at the Rutgers Center for Sexual Knowledge. “We don’t have any fixed numbers. We are seeing more and more different forms of the relationship. Monogamy is no longer a matter of course.”
De Graaf noted this, for example, when preparing questionnaires for research. “We set up all kinds of boxes that people can choose from. In 2016, we had far fewer booths than we have now. Gender said man or woman, relationship said yes or no, while there are many more options. We are now We’re expanding that and we’re still getting feedback that our surveys aren’t exhaustive. This is also a signal to us: Hey, people no longer identify with traditional boxes. Young people in particular are becoming more flexible in the way they interact with themselves – looking at sex – and with each other.”
It took nearly three years before the 38-year-old Ton, whose full name is known to editors, dared say he couldn’t make ends meet within his relationship. He is an entrepreneur and one of the more than 2 million users of Feeld worldwide. “I feel the norm is still a relationship between home, garden and kitchen,” he says. “Just a boyfriend or girlfriend. I want to experiment and find out what’s out there. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost five years. We met through the dating app InnerCircle. It’s more of a standard relationship. So I needed some time to express my needs” .
Ton and his girlfriend agreed to open the door to their relationship. He is allowed to date and sleep with others. She might do it, but she doesn’t feel the need. “I am lucky that my girlfriend understands my needs and allows me freedom.”
In Feeld, Toon uses his real image, but with a different name. “It’s all about physical attractiveness. Image is important here. At the same time, I don’t speak frankly about it to everyone.”
Two of Toon’s friends are aware, the rest don’t know that he is polygamous. “I am not ashamed of it and I see that more and more people are open to this paradigm. However, I choose to keep my somewhat non-monogamous life to myself. It is a human thing that wants to belong in the group.”
“One swallow doesn’t make summer,” says Linda Deutz, a researcher at Utrecht University who specializes, among other things, in gender and media studies. “Society seems to be more receptive to different types of relationships. You can see this, for example, by what is organized around the topic. When de Pale organized an evening on polygamy, the hall was packed. The brochure moral slut By Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, A Handbook on Unmarried People from Monogamy was recently translated and published under the Dutch title slut correct number. Interest in the topic is growing.”
However, in popular culture, monogamous relationships are still prevalent. “This makes it very difficult for people to admit that they want it differently,” German says. “People prefer to belong to the normal group, otherwise they will be considered weird or crazy.”
People are now writing a whole new love script. Anyone who chooses a different form of monogamy is rediscovering relationships and love, and pioneering is always tough. It helps to be open about it and to show understanding. Even if you don’t believe in it yourself.”
You should not neglect sex in a relationship, otherwise you may live with your brother or sister, says politician, sociologist and former feminist Heidi de Ancona (84).
“The ideal situation is that you will not be in a relationship with anyone else. I immediately think of the documentary 100UP by Heddy Honigmann. That’s why she says something very clever: “At bedtime, the woman used to say that she had a headache. Now they both say it. This is due to the fact that today the family is a company. A tightly organized company with many activities where the husband and wife also have to go to a lounge Sports to work on their bodies.
It seems logical to me that sex comes off poorly in such modern families. This makes replacing neglected sex at home with sex outside the home attractive, while you don’t have to think about who will carry the baby tomorrow.
I have no moral objection to that, but I think you should ask yourself why you live with someone. You should not neglect sex in a relationship, otherwise you may live with your brother or sister. Make it fun and make sure you both don’t have headaches by bedtime, you don’t need that monogamy. I think with polygamy there is always jealousy and then you have a problem with that.
In the sixties and seventies there was talk of sexual freedom. It wasn’t mysterious. This freer sexual morality manifested itself in the exchange between husbands who sometimes dated and women who discovered love for women in the context of the feminist revolution. Such sexual absurdities were thought of even more lightly. The difference with what’s happening now is that it was an advantage back then. Fun outside the door, no make up for exhausting sex at home inside.”