I hate my stepdaughters

Photo: Unsplash

You can call them extra kids, your boyfriend’s teenage son and daughter. Brigitte just doesn’t feel like she’s won an award. She tries hard to hide that she hates them, but not always successfully.

Brigitte (43), has been in a relationship for three years with Tom (45), mother of twins Sar and Lente (7), mother of Kai (14) and Nino (12) Bonus:

“Tom’s kids are totally spoiled sausages that bend flexibly to nothing. Whatever I cook, they don’t like it. These kids are the ones who take the peppercorns out of the pasta sauce and put them on the edge of their plates; I think that’s awful. He and his ex-partner always allowed this behavior.

I saw my girls looking wide-eyed at their half-sister and brother the first time this happened. Not long after, pieces of sweet pepper suddenly appeared on the edge of their plates. “You are behaving normally,” she addressed them sternly. But the damage has already been done. They were only four at the time. At this age, children only need to see something once and cuddle with it for the rest of their lives. So I omitted the red pepper as an ingredient. And not just pepper. When Kay and Nino are there, we often eat pizza or chips to avoid getting upset.


I didn’t like them the first time I saw them. The ex Tom has a very outspoken appearance and you can clearly see that in his kids. I had heard so many bad stories about that woman before I met her that I had already made up my entire judgment. And of course I searched for it on social media. She’s very active there, so I had a clear picture of my boyfriend’s ex-partner. You can call it a little ordinary. Kai also isn’t shy about wearing clothes that she didn’t like until after she was eighteen. If you say she’s sixteen or seventeen, you’ll believe it. I can clearly see her mother in her.

Both Kai and Nino have big mouths. They also curse. She cries before and after, all day long – and then Nino is so loud that he keeps skipping. When I ask if it could be a little less, they sigh wearily or look at me rudely. There are only a few clicks on their side in this regard; They also don’t like me. Their sisters can continue to do so. Sar and Lente are ready to eat, too. Always cheerful, so sweet. Only nowadays an expletive comes out of those little faces with some regularity. Yesterday, I heard Sar scream: “Where are my shoes really?” I inherited it from Kai and Nino. Tom thinks it’s funny. I am rather shocked.

live together

We have been living together for a year and a half. I doubted it for a long time, because I knew it would also mean Tom’s kids would be with us every two weekends. I looked at him like a mountain. Up until that point we had all been on vacation together a few times and that was a lot of struggle. They complain all day. This indignant behavior. Their energy is very negative, you have to be strong if you don’t want to be affected by that. Tom can let it slide just fine. not me. I argue with them and let him spoil my mood.

“She plays us against each other very cleverly.”

Kai can be a little disingenuous, and a little out of sync. She plays Tom and I against each other very cleverly; We’ve had a big fight over this in bed a few times. For example, she knows I hate it when my garden is full of guys when I get home. So she would never ask me if she could invite some friends. That’s what you ask Tom when I’m gone. The result is that we sit inside with the doors closed and I have to listen to the noise. I can’t have too many of them because they are not my children. Saar and Lente are incredibly annoying at times, but I feel unconditional love for them.

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does not match

Tom seems to feel this love for Sar and Lente, too. He loves them so much, and they have a really nice bonus dad in that regard. And also with their father, they have a bonus mother who loves them very much. I am very honest about that; I do not like Kai and Nino. Weekends spent there, I always fully plan appointments. I don’t like the sight of that slumber hanging on the couch. I need to hear those grumbling voices.

I’ve been trying to arrange it with my ex so he has the twins for the weekend Kai and Nino are with us. But that turned out to be so unlucky with his new girlfriend’s kids schedule that we just left it that way. It looked delicious. At least then I’ll have my hands free and won’t have to play the fun compound family. Then I can shop all day with my friends or plan a day in the sauna, and then Tom can do the homage. When I complain to Tom about it, he always says that Sar and Lente would be no different in adulthood. I think I have two completely different children, but the difference is that these are my children.

I am very good at venting my frustrations to my mom. He also understands me perfectly, and sees why I don’t get along with my stepchildren. She always says, “You just don’t match them.” A female colleague does the same with her stepchildren; They drive her crazy because of their quarrel among themselves. The two of us take regular walks during lunch as we stop working.

feeling missing

So far I’m still stuck with it; I don’t see them leaving the house soon. Tom wanted to take them on winter sports this Christmas, but I put it off. “We’re going together, Sar and Lenty aren’t going either – I want to be completely childless for a while,” I said very firmly. Tom didn’t argue and that’s a good thing; I really rejected him. If he wants to skate with them, he goes alone.

“If he wants to skate with them, he goes alone”

I try to let the kids know as little as possible that I hate them. I also feel incredibly guilty about my feelings at times. When their birthday falls, I will make sure to have a nice gift. At Christmas they don’t lack for anything and then I spend the same amount of money on them as I do on my kids. They both have a lovely room with us which I have decorated beautifully – hoping they will also spend a lot of time there – and I also make sure I stand by the hockey field every now and then to cheer them on.

But all this does not come from my heart, this feeling is missing. I’m doing it for Tom. On the contrary, I would be horrified if he thought too hard about my children. I cling to the idea that they might come when they get a little older. Who knows, maybe Kai and I will be each other’s best friends in ten years, but right now I can’t imagine that much.”

This article appears on Kek Mama 09-2022.

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