When Ross Burr herself got divorced 8 years ago because the father of her children fell in love with another woman, it was a very difficult time for her. Her whole life was turned upside down and it seemed like all the overwhelming feelings made her and her ex-husband two different people. “Of course it wasn’t, but that’s how you feel. I don’t really like myself anymore and I looked at the father of my children and really thought, ‘Who is this guy? I really thought I knew him…”
Despite the difficult time, they agreed not to make him a divorce quarrel. Because you don’t, it’s for pretty weird people. The mediator was called and as two highly educated people it was possible to separate naturally. He would have left her well and she wouldn’t want the worst of it. Unfortunately, things went completely wrong with the broker.
Getting to the core
According to Ross, this happens a lot. You start with good courage in the medium until feelings escalate and it becomes difficult because only then does it become really clear what the financial consequences are and the effect on children becomes clear. Rose and her ex-husband never had such discussions with the medium, and when she thinks about the time, her stomach literally turns.
“I lost myself more and more and eventually started looking for help myself, because unfortunately we couldn’t go together anymore. I was trained on my own. It worked out well, I found myself again, I learned to deal with my feelings. And most importantly , letting go of the man I still loved so much at that moment. But I also had to let go of my family photo which still hurts me sometimes.”
The training brought her a lot and made her decide to pursue training to become a divorce coach. However, she continued to discover that the core of the problem had not been touched upon. Problems keep coming back or are not resolved. I have now directed hundreds of people and the patterns are becoming increasingly clear. She herself has developed a way to get to the heart of the problem and find important solutions: the fundamental approach. In this way, parents actually learn to deal with feelings and not just feel them.
“This will eventually allow them to move on and feel happy again. In addition, parents also learn how to best guide their children practically and emotionally in their process. This is also quite an art. I have been working with couples for years, but also with a parent. Last September I also started training specialists so they can start working with the basic approach.”
turmoil and influence
Ross is not surprised that 30,000 couples divorce each year. Being in a relationship is hard work.
“We go to the garage with our car for maintenance, we go to the dentist, we go to school to gain knowledge, etc. But when we learn how a relationship works or how to maintain it, we put very little energy there. Under relationship therapy for the basic approach, we will work on That, so that a good foundation is laid within the framework of the relationship.”
She’s learned from her divorce that emotions are huge, but you don’t “really” realize it yourself. I underestimated the influence at the time.
“It bothers yourself, the children, the environment and especially the other. The latter deserves more attention. Because during a divorce you assume that the other is really like that. While the other, just like you, is also under a lot of stress. And I see that every day with my clients, which makes things It gets out of hand with the noisy tires.”
She liked to go through a process with the father of her children, as they were also trained during mediation. According to Ross, that could have prevented a lot of misery.
“We’ve been together for 15 years and had a great time together and had two great men. And we and our kids deserved that we could have ended our relationship right. We would have been happy a lot faster.”
Despite the fact that Ross herself is divorced and her job is to work with people who are in love, she still strongly believes in him.
“I just see that there is a lot of love, otherwise it won’t hurt so much. We need a diploma to let everything do, and we think this is perfectly normal. But learning how to have a relationship and especially how to keep it good, we do very little. In Often only when there are really problems. I’m committed to investing in the most important relationship out there: the love affair.”
Its job is to give parents the help they need to complete or even revive that super important relationship.
“Parents in a divorce (dispute) situation are not monsters, they sometimes display brutal behavior. I have never spoken to a parent who feels comfortable with themselves during a divorce or relationship crisis. My personal job is to help parents move past the right feelings and complete the partner relationship so you can move on. Go ahead and be happy. After all, that’s what children need too, so that they suffer divorce as little as possible.”
In addition, a new mission for Roos has also been created: guiding parents who want to give their relationship another chance with the primary approach. Relationship therapy arose because many parents who came to Ross before their divorce: “If we had known this earlier, we wouldn’t have had to break up.” By solving the root of the problem, you often see that the relationship can flourish again.
The pitfalls of divorce
According to Ross, “the desire to get everything sorted quickly” is the biggest predicament in a divorce. “Many divorced couples believe that if they arrange it quickly, there will be peace and everyone can move on. But nothing could be further from the truth. It does not begin until it is signed. Moreover, you can then make decisions based on high feelings, So that you are not very well able to supervise what you agree to.”
A well-known mistake is giving up too much out of guilt, for example. Or because the other person leaves “he/she just has to sit on the blisters” and makes claims based on that. Then mediation is a difficult process and the substantive problems persist long after the signature.
“You will first have to clean up your own mess that you made with the other. Otherwise, they will continue to cause problems and you will simply take those issues with you in a potential new relationship.”
The most important advantage is that Roos therefore work about 70% individually and 30% jointly in both relationship and divorce treatment.
“To get to the core of the problems, you also have to get inside. To do this, you have to be weak. Unfortunately, it will not work if your ex is sitting next to you, because he is insecure at the time. Moreover, mutual dynamics do not play a role directly when you work one-on-one, so you can make big strides quickly.”
So each partner will work on their own pieces and on shared dynamics.
This creates space to complete the partner’s relationship and build a new relationship together as parents. According to Ross, there is a very big pitfall: you also have to rebuild the patriarchal relationship, because it does not stay the same.
A desperate mother informs Ross of a complete divorce. There have been several lawsuits and is now involved in youth care. Several joint assistance programs have already been followed and many parents have already been reviewed. In fact, there was contact only through the family guardian. The 7-year-old daughter was completely trapped and the woman was on the end of her wits. The next lawsuit was about to begin. Ross began working with her alone, because the father was not open to anything.
“With the basic approach, I went with her to the core of the problem and pulled her through the right feelings. She was finally able to let them go and they didn’t play any role for her anymore. She saw her role and the patterns became clear to her. Because her emotions no longer got in her way, she could finally break through” .
And most importantly, she was able to talk to the father of their daughter differently and confess her feelings. She was able to restore communication on her own. As a result, the father stopped the lawsuit. And after three months of the operation with me, the guardian told her that things were going so well that the guardian no longer needed him. Four months later, mom and dad celebrated Sinterklaas with their daughter! “
An important tip from Roos is that you shouldn’t rush into a divorce. “Often you have been together for many years and breaking up with each other and building a new parenting relationship is something worth investing in. You and the kids will enjoy this for the rest of their lives. And don’t just invest in the business part of the divorce, but consciously choose to hire a professional divorce coach.”