Alexandra will never hope to have a child again: ‘It brings lifelong grief’

“Life cannot be made, no matter how we wish to believe it. This is a difficult lesson to learn. I have always achieved everything in my life with hard work and perseverance. If only I did my best, but this does not apply to pregnancy and having a child.”

I had to give in to this grief and loss, and stop resisting it. I had to accept that I would become a mother not only with my head, but also from my senses. Having children is not at all obvious, but it is rarely talked about publicly. It’s a quiet sadness, I just want to be frank about it.”

“I wasn’t a kid playing with dolls much and then fantasized about having my own family later. It wasn’t until my mid-20s when I started seeing becoming a mother as an option, but I didn’t rush. I had a few relationships and nothing on Launch.Partner was excited about having children.When I got into a new relationship at the age of 36, I felt great.My boyfriend and I at the time started working on our desire to have hopeful and optimistic children.

When it didn’t work after a year, we went to the doctor. I was referred to the hospital where there were long waiting lists for tests and fertility treatments. Only then did I find out how many women have problems conceiving. An open world for me. A world I didn’t know existed and I never thought I belonged.”

accumulation of sadness

“We started with IUI treatments. Sperm cells are inserted into the uterine cavity with a tube. I was really hoping this would work. I still think we’ll fix this. I’ve had such treatment six times, but without that much desirable pregnancy. I said earlier That I would never start IVF, and now we’ve decided to start it.

I kept doing my best. I tried to be light and positive about it, but every failed attempt made me sad. These disappointments pushed away, but sadness built up inside. With all my strength I kept myself in mind: All will be well one day.”

“Our desire to have children and the whole process took over my life. I have always been ambitious, but work is no longer important to me. I have had to live a healthy life. For example, I no longer drink coffee and alcohol, and to avoid stress, I meditate a lot. Sometimes I started imagining I was pregnant, hoping that the power of imagination would help. It took hold of everything.”

Right to maternity visit

“I carried friends around. The last thing I wanted was to get jealous and stop going on maternity visits. It was all hard enough, and I didn’t want to lose friends either. So I just looked for the kids, as a sort of psychotherapy.”

When the third IVF also failed to lead to pregnancy, that relationship collapsed. Mostly because of my fault. We knew from the start that the problem wasn’t with him, it was with me. Something was preventing the embryos from nesting properly in the womb. I let my ex-parents go a lot, as well as with another woman. I had to let him go despite my love for him.”

“After that, I entered into a new relationship with a man who also really wanted a child. We considered it a last chance to become parents. First there was another fruitless attempt at IVF in the Netherlands. Then the last attempt abroad, with egg donation assistance. This also didn’t work out. I had a blood test and it turned out that my uterus was not producing the antibodies needed to protect the fetus. I may be taking medication for this.”

Slap in the face again and again

“But in that moment I felt: This is where it ends for me. I was now forty-four. For seven years, my life had been completely in control of pregnancy. I put hormone injections into my stomach while working the toilet and got times I get slapped on My face every time I get my period. It’s been enough. I still have tears in my eyes when I think of that moment. Because that was the moment I could begin to grieve. And somehow I felt relief: I gave it all up and now I’m allowed to stop.”

“Then, I got mild depression. For seven years I’ve been wishing so much for a pregnancy. This was definitely not going to work as a big blow. A blow I could have anticipated, but I really wanted to avoid. I had to grieve for the baby that would never come, I always thought the family Intuitive, and I had that picture in my head of my vision of the future.

Now I suddenly faced a different future. Without a child, and as a single because the relationship with the guy I made one last attempt with quickly failed. The desire to have children was what bonded us, and when it faded, there wasn’t much to go on together.”

An alternative view of the future

“I was looking for an alternate vision of a future where I could be happy without a child. It was a whole process that was still going in waves, but I feel like I’ve gone too far. I count my blessings, so I have great friends, I live in a beautiful place in Amsterdam and I do a lot with my creativity.”

During the process I kept a diary, writing down my feelings. This resulted in my recently published book Live, love and let go. Writing the book was part of my grieving process. I wanted to describe the reality. With humor, but I don’t make it prettier than it is. In real life, you don’t get everything you want, even if you turn off everything you want.”

“Unwanted childlessness is a taboo. My ex didn’t want to talk about it with others, and many people are silent when you tell them you can’t get pregnant. Infertility isn’t discussed much, not even in schools in a biology class. I want to go to It’s there to be open and honest about it.”

stick in my heart

“There are still painful moments. Even if it’s just an innocent question asking all thirty things all the time: ‘Do you have children?'” This question can come to me everywhere: at work, at parties, in the pub. It always gives me a stitch in my heart. Because I will never dream of motherhood again, and I will never have a chance to have a child again, never take a pregnancy test Full of hope again.This brings a lifelong sadness.For me, there are no milestones like first day at school,graduation,and crafts for Mother’s Day.This is something I will swallow up and will always experience as a loss.

It is the acceptance of a blacksmith. Now I look at life in a different way. I wanted to keep everything under control, and now I think: let it happen. I’m fine with what is out there and I enjoy what I have. “

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It will never happen again?

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