Children need rest now. About parental alienation.

Rob van Boven and Luuk Mur write in occasionally interrupted series about problems in and with the care of young adults. Today again about Safe Home.

The children were 5 and 4 years old when the mother left with the children. She no longer wanted her husband to be treated as a slave. The juvenile court ruled that the dwelling was with the mother, a visitation with the father was arranged and the parents’ participation in parental mediation was required. Mediation was unsuccessful and the second and third attempt failed. Then a report was submitted to Safe at Home through the Youth Volunteer Aid.

The Safe Home organization in question was itself in crisis during that time. An interpreter was hired to conduct the investigation. After conversations with the father and the children, now between 10 and 9 years old, she came to the conclusion, after conversations with her father, that the mother psychologically abused the children. Later it turns out that this was not the case at all, but this is not yet known at this point. Then, with the knowledge of the safe house investigator, the father keeps his son with him, against the juvenile court’s decision. The mother goes to the police, but she is not allowed to report to the police. Later, the police will declare that Safe Home has completely misled her and offer their deepest apologies. This is not the first time the police have been misled by the youth protection chain. They even once took a child out of the house, because there would be a decision of the juvenile court, but it turned out that there was absolutely nothing.

The mother goes to school after the weekend to talk to her son. After all, he should stay with her again. She reports this to the Safe Home researcher, but she wants to prevent it and when the mother arrives at school, several police cars are ready to prevent things from getting out of hand. Daddy’s new girlfriend is also in the schoolyard and making a lot of noise. The mother, a kind, caring and irresistible woman, is blamed for the accident by her ex-husband and a safe house researcher. However, witnesses, including the school administration, saw that it was not this mother who caused the trouble, but the father’s new friend. The daughter is also kept by his father. The children are now convinced that their mother was abusing them, because their father said so, and they even think it took the police to stop their mother. The safe house also confirmed that.

The mother now has a firm counsellor. After many failed attempts to connect, I finally got the Safe Home manager on the phone. It is temporary. There will be a meeting with the behavioral scientist involved and this is temporary. The behavioral scientist says that everything is beyond her control. They also offer their deepest apologies, the investigation was very poor and one sided, they want to do everything to repair the damage where possible.

The children live with the father and mother and he has not communicated with them for more than a year. The children are convinced that their mother abused them. They don’t know how it happened. The Family Guardian says he can’t do anything for his mother, because the kids no longer want to hang out with her. In consultation with a Research Associate from the Child Protection Council, a behavioral scientist from Safe Home, the family parent and various professionals from voluntary assistance, it was concluded that nothing could be done about the situation and that it was now best to present it. The children are resting and the mother has to abandon the children and go to therapy by herself to arrange the treatment.

We find this point of view, comfort is the highest benefit, even if it is an illusion, and absurd, and unworthy of the caregiver. It’s a false peace, because children are caught up in the loyalty struggle. The child naturally loves both parents, and these children are now prohibited from being attracted to their mother. A mother’s love is wrong, because a mother is bad, so they learn. To be a good child now, you must deny attachment to the mother. What kind of inner peace does that give, apart from the fact that kids lie? This must be devastating to them and they must now knock him out of their consciousness. If I don’t feel good, there is clearly something wrong with me, because the situation is supposed to be fine.

In our opinion, it is good for a child to learn that he or she is allowed to feel everything he can feel. Whether it is about turmoil, pain, anger, fear, sadness, enthusiasm or peace. Feelings have a signaling function and children should be taught to listen to them and take them seriously so they can act on them. The described situation is not a requirement for comfort for these children. What these children feel in their situation should be noticed by adults and taken seriously. Nor should they be alone with their feelings. Their feelings should be met with pity by adults. Noticeable tension in this situation should be noted so that adults teach these children to trust their feelings. Allowing you to feel what adults feel as a safe haven ultimately gives you peace of mind.

Rob van Boven (1951) is a psychiatrist and registered psychotherapist. He was a consultant to several organizations (drug and addiction counseling, skills workshops) and worked as a treatment coordinator in a psychiatric institution for fifteen years. With Rob van Boven, the survivor’s faith becomes conscious and given the right place. The goal is to be free from the compulsion of belief and to develop awareness along with these patterns of thinking and feelings. The more you are freed from the faith of the survivor, without fighting him, but by giving him his due place, the more free you can live.
Luke Moore (1952) is a psychologist who has written three books on a community support aid method that he developed himself. He is a member of the Dzogchen Community Netherlands. Dzogchen is a form of Tibetan Buddhism that attaches great importance to the development of individual consciousness. In this tradition one strives not to double consciousness. Not only are people aware (you know you’re reading this), but you can also be aware of that first awareness. This meta-consciousness is called “perception”.

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