amber (36) She has a child because her ex-husband desperately wanted to be a father. But for her, motherhood came as a curse, not a blessing. She now admits, “I never wanted to be a mother.”
“It’s late in the afternoon when you Has risen Pick up from my ex. She runs towards me and puts her arms around me and hugs me. My daughter loves me unconditionally and I love her. But as much as I love her, I’m sorry about motherhood. If only I had listened to my own intuition.”
Desire to have children
I learned at twenty-three pee Get to know my work. He was kind, caring and did a lot for me. He was crazy about me and soon we were living together. I didn’t like him very much, but I wanted to get out of the house. The atmosphere there was not nice and I saw my new boyfriend as an excuse. This love will surely come.
Although the infatuation did not materialize, I found in Paul and his family the friendliness I had missed with my parents. They gave me love and attention and when Paul’s desire to have children arose, we decided to stop taking the pill. At the time I was also in favor of this option. Wasn’t that what was expected of a woman in a relationship? Paul was also very good with children. Watching him play with his nieces and nephews made him seem like the perfect father. Then they played games or kicked a ball with them.
Pregnancy was not clear to me and my urine. It didn’t work out and in the meantime our relationship fell apart. Paul was a homebody and became more and more jealous when I did things. When I went out with friends, he wanted to know everything – how, what, where and with whom. As a result, I became less interested in intimacy with him. After six years together, our relationship ended. I was desperately looking for a new place to live – my things were with friends and I lived partly in my car – when my period didn’t come. Stress, I thought. Thinking it was a false alarm, I took a pregnancy test to make sure it was positive. It was the first time in my life that my heart didn’t beat. This was not possible at all! I immediately wanted to take another test, which I didn’t, so I went to McDonald’s. Not long after, I took a positive test right there on the toilet. I couldn’t believe it. Why now all of a sudden?
In a panic, I called my best friend, who immediately showered me with congratulations. He assumed I was happy with it, when all I could think about was: I can’t do that now. I could not get rid of my eggs with my mother, who then called her. I had a child and according to her I had to take responsibility for that. I also found a little support from my ex at first. He was shocked when I told him he never spoke again. This caused me a lot of stress. Did he already have another? May I be allowed to sit now? After two days of radio silence I heard from him again. He was sure of it: he wanted to keep it. But I didn’t really want a baby. Not at that time anyway, and certainly not with my ex. In addition, my mother continued to insist that I have obligations now. No one asked me what I wanted and partly because of that I kept getting pregnant. When I also lost my security job, to make matters worse, I had to go back to live with Paul. Where else can I find shelter as a pregnant and unemployed woman?
No mother feelings
The pregnancy went well physically, but a baby who grew in my stomach did not benefit from it. I felt like it wasn’t me, but someone else who was pregnant. Meanwhile, I’ve always been confronted with my pregnancy by my environment. If it wasn’t an old lady in the store who asked if I had a boy or a girl, then my friends are. For them, pregnancy was equal to happiness. Well-meaning they organized me a baby shower party, but it scared me. There was cake and diapers everywhere. That afternoon, I had to regularly step away to “go to the toilet.” There I brought myself together, but I wish I had burst into tears. I had no maternal feelings and doubted I would ever feel them.
feelings of depression
In March 2011, my daughter Rose was born. The midwife put it on my chest right after the birth and my fear became real. I’ve never felt that unconditional love that moms always talk about. She was slippery, not crying and moving all the time. It was like holding someone else’s child. I looked at her and thought: I’m not ready for that at all.
It is a relief that Rose was not a crying child. She was a quiet child and when I looked at her I saw a beautiful child. I felt like it wasn’t me. I still hope that the maternal instinct will awaken inside me. That my yelling that I wasn’t ready for this was wrong after all. But in the meantime, I experienced more and more feelings of depression. Once I was in bed with Rose and I didn’t feel like living anymore. When I told my mother about it, she advised me to speak to a psychologist. I did it. I have talked about my depressive thoughts and these conversations, in combination with my antidepressants, have made me feel better over time. But noting that I actually didn’t want Rose, I didn’t even dare trust the psychiatrist.
Often to the father
When Rose was a year and a half old, I finally found a home of my own. I have now found a new job in healthcare and have been able to buy a home. My ex and I have shared custody since then, but it’s with him more often than with me. We made that choice consciously when my ex became unemployed. He’s a better father than me. Parenting really seems second nature to him, as if he didn’t do anything else. My daughter is now ten years old and I am relieved that we have come this far. She is sweet, caring, sensitive and a true friend to everyone. Although the feeling of motherhood is still not there and I don’t think it will come. I see my daughter like my little sister. Rose and I had a good time – lying in bed together or going to the playground or the beach or the mall – but I still struggled with it. I still struggle with feelings of depression from time to time. Then it would cost me a lot of trouble if I had to pick her up from my ex. Then she comes running towards me, which is really cool, but for me in a moment like this, hugging her back is a real challenge. When she says she loves me, it doesn’t always pass.
I feel like I had to sacrifice a lot for my daughter. I wasn’t ready for motherhood and my ex wasn’t the right man for me. As a mother I have many obligations and I miss life and freedom in that. My dream was to live abroad with a partner and then work in a hospital there. I’ve never told anyone that I don’t want to be a mother — or at least I’ve never told anyone that I didn’t. I fear the reactions. What kind of worthless mother are you if you really don’t want your child?
Sometimes I think it has to do with my upbringing. From home I received a little love from my parents. I had an accident and my mom never dreaded it. As a child it affected me a lot. That’s why I never want my daughter to realize that she’s not wanted either. Really, I love her so much, it hurts to admit it, but I’m sorry. I find it very sad that it has not always been and remains undesirable. I would say to other women in similar situations that you should always follow your gut feelings. It’s okay not to want children. If you are pregnant and in doubt, there are options, such as adoption or an abortion. I often wonder why I didn’t consider adoption at the time. It could have been better for Rose. If I could go back in time, I would listen to myself. Then perhaps motherhood would have come at some point and I would have had a baby when I was ready. I and not the rest.”