How your love DNA affects your relationships

With each new flame you feel again: the desire to know what your partner has always been thinking about you and the relationship. And the fear of whether love is over, whether you said something wrong when you haven’t hugged in a while, you haven’t heard “I love you.” The big fight feels like a crack in your happiness, the beginning of a possible end. However, you want to feel the other person’s love more than anything else. Or are you the type to keep your distance from every relationship? Of course you want love, maybe one day you will find “the one”. But someone clings to you, someone with all their flaws, sometimes you find it difficult. You really only need yourself. All the drama that comes with a relationship… is it worth it? And all those cliches. We always go hand in hand, we talk to each other about your feelings. Is that necessary? Fear or Distance: If you are wondering why you experience this in every relationship, the answer is simple; Your attachment style is important.

In the first scenario, you are attached with anxiety, in the second scenario you are avoidant. Ideally, you’ll be securely attached, the third style. Then do not worry too much in love. You then have the healthy capacity and need to rely on your partner if necessary, but you also yearn for yourself and are in better control of yourself. You can handle emotions, intimacy, and disagreements well: that’s how intimacy between two people works, you see.

Don’t underestimate the impact your attachment style has on your relationships. Sarah Hertens, a clinical psychologist and relationship therapist, agrees. Describes attachment patterns on an absolute basis. “They largely determine how you interact with others. Once you know any of your three attachment styles, they can explain a lot to you. It reveals your sensitive threads and needs in a relationship. Knowing them and your partner can also do wonders for a couple. I see this a lot in my practice.” Your attachment style also determines how well it clicks between you and your partner.

Your attachment style makes itself felt strongly with your partner, Hertens says. “Because this connection extends farther and deeper.” But you also often notice the effect your attachment style has on your relationships with friends or colleagues. “For example, a person associated with comment anxiety is more likely to take comments at work personally and may feel rejected by friends more quickly. An avoidant person, although they can be very social, is less likely to seek help from others when they feel bad and are more likely to withdraw.


It seems easy to divide our basic needs and feelings in relationships into three categories. But of course it’s more complicated than that, Hertens says. “For example, it is important to distinguish between attachment style and attachment behavior. Your behavior is variable and can fluctuate due to experiences or interactions with a partner. A securely attached person, but has been deceived, may begin to act anxious. He may become an “avoidant” in a relationship with Another avoidant is more anxious too. Most of us may have a secure attachment style, but it can be accompanied by anxiety or avoidance. Your attachment style is also what’s called continual streak, Hertens says. Formed in childhood and usually don’t change throughout your life. But you can shift your attachment style to more or less secure, fearful, or avoidant. Additionally, in order to develop an anxious or avoidant attachment as a child, your parents and/or others who cared for you must demonstrate consistent, long-term behaviors. So don’t just stamp yourself and don’t let that define you.”

Your attachment style takes shape in childhood is what makes it permanent. Professor of Orthopedics Stephen Gillies (AP Hogeschool): “This is a very natural process and usually goes well. Most children have caregivers who provide them with warmth and comfort and are sensitive to the child’s feelings. These children develop a secure attachment style. As a result, they often develop an image Positive self and learn to handle stress in a healthy way.If the child care personalities are often absent or not very sensitive to the child’s feelings and needs, the child quickly learns to be independent and to hide his feelings.Thus, he develops an avoidant attachment style.If the parents are inconsistent In their behavior—sometimes very cute, sometimes very angry—the child becomes anxious and has a desire to cling and take on a lot of initiative. In other words, children who do not develop a secure attachment look for so-called coping strategies. They have a strong influence on their future relationships.” Of course, a child’s temperament also plays a role, Gillis says. “A child who is in a strong position is less prone to insecure attachment than a child who is already insecure. But this does not change the fact that the caring personality plays an active role in the development of the attachment style.” Friends or family members can also have an impact or traumatic events such as illness or divorce. Gillis says the role of the main sponsor figures is not to be underestimated. “Research shows that children continue to look at their parents well into adulthood.”

blank image

Once you form your attachment style, it will manifest in every relationship you have in adulthood. The inconveniences or pitfalls you continue to encounter can often be explained by this, write neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller in their book Connected. For people with an anxious attachment style, uncertainty and fear may present difficulties. “You have a very sensitive attachment system,” Levine and Heller wrote. Once this is activated, you cannot settle until you have clear affirmation from your partner and your relationship appears secure again. A partner who is temporarily unreachable, does not reconnect, or is less than willing to share with you, activates your attachment system. Then your fear drives you into “behavior.” protest.” You keep calling, texting, or communicating in other ways. You threaten to leave your partner in the hope that they will stop you, or you act aggressive. You give your partner the silent treatment or you try to make them jealous. Or you keep the score: If your partner doesn’t call back. You won’t be the first to reconnect. The hurdles and hurdles an “avoidant” faces are quite different. Studies show that you often feel happy and satisfied in relationships, according to Levine and Heller, because you have a subconscious tendency to focus on your partner’s flaws and withdraw as the connection intensifies. Levine and Heller call them “disruption strategies,” which often subconsciously keep your partner away. Avoiding intimacy, lacking empathy for your partner’s feelings, continuing to flirt with others, and thinking about an “ex ghost” that seems attractive from a distance are ways It unintentionally sabotages your happiness in your relationship. And a person who is safely attached also has drawbacks. “As a ‘safe’ person, you may end up in a bad relationship,” Levine and Heller wrote. “Sometimes you keep giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and you keep tolerating his or her actions. You tend to forgive your partners’ mistakes and sometimes stay long in a relationship that has no future, also because you feel partly responsible for your partner’s happiness.

blank image

Do you realize that your attachment is something you struggle with in your relationship? good news. “Your attachment style may be static, but you can control the effect it has on your relationship and attachment behavior,” Sarah Hertens says. The first step to growth is acceptance and understanding. “Understanding your and your partner’s attachment style will immediately give you a complete guide. As a fearful person, the best thing you can do is realize that your partner is just a human and can’t meet all of your needs. He or she can only give you part of the affirmation you’re looking for. So you’ll have to Also to find a role in yourself.” On the other hand, Levine and Heller advise that you should learn how to express your needs. “You quickly think that you are too needy and suppress your desires. While you will be happier if you are completely yourself with your partner. Moreover, you will also find out more quickly whether your partner is able to meet your needs and whether your relationship has a future. Did you know that you are an avoidant?” he says. Hertens: “So keep in mind that your biggest predicament is that you think you don’t crave connection.” “Tell your partner that you need a sense of security, a relationship that feels like a safe haven in which you can express feelings or needs.”

Levine and Heller write that you should learn to recognize your own disruption strategies. “Rethink when you start pushing someone away. Do your partner’s flaws really bother you that much? Are you not looking too negatively at a situation? In your relationship, try to look for mutual support rather than self-reliance. Even as a securely connected person, you can’t Avoid some points of interest. “You have to learn that the healthy balance that seems natural to you — relying on your partner on one side, maintaining your independence on the other — isn’t very evident in every relationship,” Hertens says. “Learn how to actively monitor and follow it.” Levine and Heller also wrote that you need to realize that you don’t have to stay with a partner, even if you can tolerate it. “If you’re unhappy in a dysfunctional relationship, dare you end it.”

Stephanie VerslinGetty Images

Leave a Comment