I thought it wasn’t ‘working’ for me.

Three years ago, Astrid was not able to come. Then she met Juste.

Astrid (35) trainer and coach, mother of Sarah (11), relationship with Jürgen (40):

Three years ago, I called my then-boyfriend Jost, beaming: ‘It worked! I now know what it means to cum! On his advice, I had dragged myself into bed with a sex toy. He thought that when I was 32, it was time to experience what it was like to have an orgasm. It was one of the highlights of my life for several reasons.

sex fun

Until then, I didn’t know an amazing sex life. The gender was very straightforward, nothing experimental and limited to two jobs. I have never had an orgasm. No idea what everyone was talking about in magazines or on TV. Enjoying sex was really complicated for me, because I was completely blue.

I lost my virginity when I was seventeen, and shortly thereafter entered into a relationship with Edwin, the father of my daughter Sarah, with whom I would eventually be sixteen years. It wasn’t a great marriage. Edwin was a thoughtful, very cautious man. A perfect son-in-law, but communication was not his forte. He was not an animal in bed at all.

Edwin was always coming over during sex, I’ve never been. He found it difficult, but said there was nothing he could do about it. I’ve accepted that it doesn’t “work” for me. Sometimes I feel a burning sensation when we make love, as if I have to pee. Maybe you were close then? But there was very little emotion anyway and it didn’t feel like a real launch, let alone a happy moment.

activity between sheets

We had sex once every few months. Sometimes there was half a year or more. After a bad pregnancy, I developed postpartum stress. At the time, there was very little activity between the sheets at all, but I didn’t miss that either. After that, we picked up our weak rhythm again with difficulty. I’ve read that the more you don’t, the less you’ll feel like it. it was right. I had no idea how to activate my sex drive.

‘I had no idea how to activate my sex drive’

After a good conversation, I sometimes felt connected and wanted to make love, but that didn’t happen often. Edwin was not a speaker. Again, I took a personal development course to learn to communicate with him better, but that didn’t help either.

In couples therapy, Edwin once said he hated the idea that if I went out to a bar, I would get male attention because I was such a beautiful woman. I was just shocked by this statement. It was one of five compliments he gave me throughout our relationship.

At the end of our marriage, we stopped trying to have sex at all. Even though Edwin claims that he sometimes tried something, I always turned him down. However, I didn’t feel like he saw me. Once I tried to kiss him deeply at a party, when I had a glass of wine. But then he complained that he couldn’t breathe. Well, I immediately went back to my shell.

Read also – “After my divorce, I felt that I needed another man for the first time in my life.”

unconditional love

When we finally broke up, I decided to find a man with whom I could have those deep conversations that I so badly needed. A good lover didn’t even have to be on my priority list. Instead, it should be someone I feel unconditionally love for.

That first period alone was very difficult for me. My environment did not understand the parting. My sister reacted angrily. My mother thought I should have done better for our daughter, who was seven at the time. It really felt like a slap in the face. People had no idea how difficult our marriage was for me.

“After signing the papers, a kind of deferred student life began for me”

I also had to break free from Edwin, because our lives were so intertwined. But after signing the papers, I experienced a kind of deferred college life. On the weekend that Sarah was with Edwin, she went out. I was well positioned in the market and loved taking advantage of that.

On my cousin’s birthday I met his best friend Jost. Handsome guy, really a blessing for a man of 2.02 meters tall. But also very sensitive. We chatted for three hours that night and then I took him to my house to continue talking and listening to music.

Complicated Relationship

There was great sexual chemistry between us, but nothing happened that night. Jost was married and had two children. I didn’t really want anything with a tied man. However, we started a complex relationship that lasted two years. He even left his wife to me. But in the end we were not emotionally and mentally fit.

“Even during sex, I was constantly thinking about what it would be like for my partner in bed”

I learned to enjoy sex through it. Joost has always been very focused on my happiness. Especially when he heard that I had never had an orgasm, this became his mission. But whatever he did when we made love, it didn’t work out. This can be explained later. I was one all my life delightful also. I take care of others first and then myself. I had such a capacity for empathy that I was constantly thinking about what it would be like for my partner in bed during sex.

sex scan l2


But unlike my ex-boyfriend who succumbed to my inability, Yost kept urging me to go on a journey of discovery: “Try the games, challenge yourself, find them and don’t give in to them.” With his encouragement, I bought a small, soft purple vibrator at Etos, with dots on either side that you can vibrate with a little more vigor and softness.

“I was so proud that I immediately called Jost. I’m not broke, it works!”

I started working on it that same evening. Single. I didn’t really dare play with myself in front of Joost. I had made a movie and sure enough, after a while I had a pulsating and astringent feeling that I had never experienced before. Very special. I was so proud that I immediately called Jost. “I’m not broke, it works!”

between pages

Since then, a world has opened up for me and I can easily fling. Either alone or during penetration. I now have a very cute and kind friend, who clicks in all areas, both in and out of the bedroom. I feel very free and have no problem being naked anymore. Sex for me is now fun, delicious and loving. I enjoy it and close it with highlights. During or after it or not, if I don’t feel like it, but I know I can do it.

“Sex to me is now fun, delicious and loving”

There are many women who suffer from this, but if there is no medical or traumatic experience behind it, the solution can be simple. For me it was just a matter of practicing and throwing myself over the threshold of shame. I had to learn how and what I liked and focus on myself. A better sex life begins with you.

This article can be found on Kek Mama 07-2022.

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