Noah (26): “During high school and for a while after that, while I was in school, I thought I’d ‘just’ end up with a husband and kids. My idea was that this was simply expected of me and I never thought it could be done differently.”
I often felt different. I have three older siblings, so maybe that’s why I was too “childish” for the girls I know. But I was also very “girlish” to the men around me and didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. I basically tried to live up to the expectations the world had of me as a girl.
At some point I got a boyfriend. I’ve been with him for 3.5 years. I started wearing more feminine clothes, putting on makeup and trying to fit in. I didn’t like the sex very much, and I never had an orgasm, but there are more women who find it hard, I guess.
It wasn’t until I got out that I started wearing my baggy pants and sweaters again. When I got into a relationship with a woman, I found out what sex can be, too. Finally you came too. I thought it could be.
I told my parents and the rest of my family that I’m gay and everyone reacts well to it. I didn’t find it difficult or anything else. However, there was an annoying feeling inside me. I felt that something was still not right.
Open up and be yourself
I broke up with my girlfriend and got into a new relationship with a woman, my current girlfriend. With her I can be more myself, even in bed. We are very open with each other and talk a lot about sex and sexuality.
In the meantime, I also started a process with a psychiatrist. I was raped by a man with whom I have a good relationship and I did not properly process that trauma. I thought the nagging feeling inside me had something to do with it. But during the conversations I discovered that there was more.
After a period when I was a little underweight, I gained weight and got my curves and boobs, which I wasn’t happy with at all. In a conversation with the psychologist and also through things I had already read about it myself, the realization came to me.
Neither woman nor man
I don’t feel like a woman. Until then I had always thought of a binary: you have men and women, if you are not one then you are the other. But when I X- everything and nothing By Nanoah Struik, full of stories from non-binary people, I’ve seen how subtle gender and personality are. I recognized myself (partially) and thought: I fit here too.
Out of the closet again
I debuted as a non-binary person to my psychiatrist. She was very open and calm. That was nice. Then of course I also wanted to tell my girlfriend. He was not necessarily dismissive at first, but he also did not fully understand that there is more than a man and a woman. Nor did she understand why being non-binary was so important to me. Am I just a human? So why does it matter if you’re male or female? She needed time to explore what it means to be non-binary. We’ve talked a lot about it and will continue to do so.
I cut my hair and changed my name to something gender-neutral. I’d like to explore more how I can feel more “myself”. For example, I’ve never felt “le” breasts and would like to have them removed. I also want to know if I can get a less feminine look with testosterone. I’m still often seen as a woman and I don’t want to.
These changes affect not only me, but also my girlfriend and our relationship. Fortunately, like me, she’s more of a butt than breasts, but she still is.
I started a relationship with a woman. Now she is in a relationship with a non-binary person. This is a bit of a switch. She says she loves people and not necessarily men or women. But the question is whether she still finds me attractive when I look more masculine later. I hope our relationship survives that.
What is certain is that I am going this way. Everything has fallen into place for me since I found out I’m not a binary. I finally feel myself. No husband. Not a woman. But someone who doesn’t fit in a box and is just a human being. I’m glad I found out and I never want to go back.”
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