“If only there was a time machine, I wouldn’t have started having children”

The urging of the child Christina (47) was pregnant with in her 30s calls temporary mental confusion. Her children’s remorse is a strong word. But when she became a single mother after the birth of her two sons, she realized she had to give up on a lot of dreams. “If only there was a time machine. Then I would go back in time.”

Jessica CroneArtem Kovalev via Unsplash

Christina: “If it weren’t for my kids (10 and 13) I would have lived in Ibiza. I would probably be a world-renowned architect and lead a free life. Instead, I live in a house with terraces in the Netherlands, and I don’t have the career I dreamed of working all day long as a single mother.

wandering ovaries

Singles in their thirties sometimes complain that they can’t find the prince on a white horse and fear that their wish to have children will not come true. Be happy, I think. You are free to go where you want and your whole life is still open. Hormones at this age make you think that life without children is not complete.

I also know dilapidated ovaries are like no other. When I was 26, I moved from my native Germany to Holland in search of love. After that relationship ended, I met the father of my children on a city beach in Amsterdam. Sparks immediately flew. I found him very attractive. There was also something mysterious about his real-life personality. Everything in my body was screaming that I wanted to have a baby with this guy, when common sense at the time wasn’t concerned with whether he was the right partner for me for the long term.

The difference of day and night

After three years of dating, we had our first son. In the first months after giving birth, I found it difficult to give my partner enough attention. Sex, I don’t feel like it anymore. I was very attached to the baby: his little feet, his toes and his toes. votes he made. This feeling was beyond any love I’ve ever felt for anyone. During that time it became painfully clear that my partner and I were like night and day. For example, I am an open book, but closed, and he looks at the cat outside the tree with everything. And when I started feeling like doing things again, he just wanted to sit on the couch.

As glue to a relationship that was showing more and more cracks, we decided to go for a second baby. Too naive of course, we diverged further. Again, all I cared about was the baby, there was no sex drive and we both handled the situation differently. We finally decided to end the relationship. This is how I became a single mother when I was 38 years old.

dreaming in the sea

You are off to a good start. The relationship with my ex-boyfriend wasn’t great, and I couldn’t count on his help with upbringing. The worst I thought was because of my kids I had to stay in Holland, a country I don’t like. Working as an architect also started to break down me as a single mom. If you want to be among the top, you have to work long hours and travel a lot. My family lives in Germany. Babysitting was not an option. I had no money to buy a shelter.

One day my boss took me aside: He thought I was suitable for a great job in New York, but realized that this was not possible because of my children. I could cry, everything flew in my face. It took a long time before I got back into balance. Sports and a waking life have helped me tremendously. While meditating, I realized that I had thrown my dreams into the sea due to the desire of my child. At a younger age, I saw my life completely differently before me. It may be taboo to say it, but sometimes I compare the strong desire to have children to a temporary lake. Or with those rose-tinted glasses if you’re in love: You’re no longer thinking clearly.

sorry for the kids

My children know that I am not happy in Holland. When we play together or sit together at the dinner table, I sometimes discuss it carefully with them. In recent years I’ve been thinking a lot about emigrating with them, but it’s not easy. I think it is important that they continue to see their father. My ex boyfriend doesn’t give me permission either. Moreover, they have their friends here. You also don’t want to take them out of their safe environment. And in the end I want the best for them.

When they become adults in a few years, I will pack up and emigrate. My new boyfriend and I are already busy saving for our dream home in Ibiza. Until then I try to make the most of it in Holland. If only there was a time machine. Then I will be back in time. I’ve grabbed Christina ever since so hard, yelling more than the ovaries into her body and screaming, “Don’t start!” Regret for my children is a strong word, but without them I would have been happy too.”

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