Gone are the days when we simply assumed that someone wanted children. It is a personal choice. So how do you deal with this when you are with someone who thinks about children differently than you do?
start the conversation
If you are on file twenties You don’t necessarily have to think about whether or not you want to start a family. There is still time. It’s only hard if you’re in a relationship with someone who wants kids, when you don’t. Or the other way around, of course. When you’re young, it’s tempting to put off a conversation. Maybe one of them will change their mind? Although this is not something you can count on.
The psychologist writes that if one partner does not want children and the other does not, this can put a lot of stress on the relationship. Elizabeth Shaw In an article about body and soul “Not having children (when you want them, editor) can seem like a huge sacrifice. If this is not spoken properly, it can lead to envy.”
Problems that can arise
It is not known how significant the chance of two people breaking up is if one wants to have children and the other does not. In addition, the relationship can also fail for other reasons. This can create an additional sense of loss for the person who saw themselves as “sacrificing” if the woman did not, for example, fulfill her desire to have children. “If a couple separates and a woman goes through her childbearing years, she may feel like she’s lost a lot more than just a partner.”
On the other hand, it is also possible for a person to decide to have children, while this person does not want them at all. Isn’t that good to talk about? This can have negative consequences for any child. “We assume that a parent immediately falls in love with a child at birth and takes care of it and takes responsibility, but that’s an unconfirmed assumption,” Shaw said. If the relationship breaks down – for whatever reason – the “sacrificial” person may blame the child.
It’s hard to tell if a relationship is doomed if one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t. One thing is for sure: it won’t be easy. That’s why Shaw shares 5 tips for making the topic a topic of discussion. This is to prevent the emergence of false expectations or interference with the relationship with poor communication. But also: How do you progress if you both go on and one of them has to add water to the wine?
1. Listen carefully
Does your loved one say he doesn’t want children? Take this seriously, even if you are just starting out. So don’t think: he or she will change his mind. Yes, this is possible. But there is also the possibility that this may not be the case. Avoid disappointments and don’t make assumptions about it. Also ask yourself if you want to wait for something that might not come.
2. Be honest
Don’t you want kids and your friend? Be clear and honest about this. In the beginning of the relationship, you may not want to talk about it too much because you don’t want to put pressure on the other person, but it is about your future. It is important for both partners to be clear about this. Also, take the time to talk about this. Does this not happen? Then you risk that the other person will make assumptions.
3. Take responsibility when your partner “sacrifice”
Are you and your partner absolutely clear that you both have different desires when it comes to starting a family? Then ask yourself what this means for your long-term relationship, Shaw advises. “You can’t spend the rest of your life trying to make up for the loss of your partner,” she says. “It may then be better to end the relationship than to stay together.”
4. Take responsibility when making a “sacrifice”
Are you the one who still does what your partner in the family-founding business wants, when that’s not your desire? Then ask yourself beforehand if you can fully accept this sacrifice, as this is critical if you want the relationship to succeed. “If you know this is going to be a huge burden and you start seeing your partner as the person you sacrificed for, this could escalate quickly.”
5. Talk about the decision and make plans
The biggest thing that can cause a relationship to fail is the feeling of inequality in the relationship. One person may feel unequal in the relationship because his or her desire cannot be fulfilled and the other will be heard. If you agree to do this performance, you need to decide what other things you want. What other goals do you have in your relationship? And can your partner give you what you want in it? It’s tough, but it’s important to talk about it with your loved one. Only then is there a chance that the relationship will survive this.
Source: Body and Soul | Photo: Fan Than