Dean: “I’ve Never Felt in Love”

“I knew at a young age that I wasn’t a girl. About eight years old I was really frustrated because I wasn’t allowed to wear my brothers’ clothes. I also knew then that I like girls and boys and everything after that. Because of the language used in ‘I didn’t feel the space to say anything about our family.'” I come from south Rotterdam and in our house people regularly abuse homophobic swear words. So I thought that was a mistake.”

“Until I fell in love with a girl when I was 13 and she fell in love with me. Then I had to say something, so I texted my mom on my Nokia 3310. I have to tell you something I wrote. It worked really well, because my parents weren’t surprised and they were both curious. This love didn’t last long, but when I was fifteen I started dating a girl again and it lasted for three years.”

toxic relationship

After that, my heart took some beating, with adultery, a toxic relationship with abuse and isolation. My biological parents often argued, fortunately they had not been together for long. They taught me where my limits lie. If you stick your claws in my face, it will be done instantly. Then the search for love and life began. and myself. I dated boys and girls, went to music school and decided to enjoy my freedom.

“Eventually I came out as a trans to a good friend, but I still didn’t feel like there was room to share it with others. So I covered it up again. At the time, I also had a girlfriend with whom I shared research and questions. For example, I bought a wrapper to have a flat box And it gave me space to explore that.”

Experience like a man

“I moved to Suriname and went with her. It seemed to me that it was good to experience life as a distant man in peace. Within a year this relationship had collapsed and I had to rebuild everything in Holland. Corona came and I got depressed, I also realized that I am almost 25 and I was not I had one day by myself. I didn’t want it anymore. The world had to stop for a moment to wake me up. Corona is horrible, but it turned out to be a huge problem for my personal development. disguised blessing

“And I went to the same round again, again texting my mom that I should tell something. Now she said she already knew it, luckily, and we were also able to talk about the comments, so I didn’t say it before. I dared Saying. We are a tough-mouthed family, but there is a lot of happy love. Humor is our love language.”

“I also found the same language with Lotte. It was my best friend who said I should follow Lotte on Instagram, because we were the same type. I was instantly sold out. What a woman. I sent her a reply to a picture in a private message and she kindly replied.” Then I asked her “Do you like wine? A little later we were on Facetime and we stayed up for 24 hours straight.”

No more holding on

“We agreed on Sunday, but we couldn’t make it any longer. It became instantaneous the next day. There was nothing stopping him. I never felt in love. I wanted a place that was unforgettable and so it became a Gnome Potblog in Rotterdam. We were half an hour early and then she said, “I see your back and I immediately feel this is the back I’ll always see.”

“The great thing is that we are both totallyl out and about And then we didn’t say anything at all. It wasn’t until we both admitted how nervous we were that it was over. We all said things she never said on a first date, like her one-night stand and me about my toxic relationship.”

“We threw everything on the table. We went straight to the innermost layer and in the meantime we were flirting. Finally I asked if I could kiss her and then she screamed in the toilet and it’s for her friends. I finally went with her” to her house and immediately met her mother and sister for breakfast. And less than a year later we were living together and last New Year’s Eve I proposed to her. ”

“During our relationship, my transition took off and Lotte supports me like no other. She knows me as Dane, but also knows my birth name. She came with me when I changed my name, when I had my mastectomy and my first testosterone. I was so grateful I was able to do this with her” .

“My transition belongs to us both. Lotte is truly my beacon. I feel more and more comfortable in my skin and it benefits from that too. From the moment I got out, I haven’t been depressed for a day. I am aware of the happiness I have with this family and this partner. Lotte And I do not need each other, together we are ten advantages. ”

Wanted: Love Lessons

For the Love Lesson section of RTL Nieuws Lifestyle, we’re looking for beautiful, fragile, funny, inspiring and honest love lessons. An insight, a moment of reflection. It is preferable to put your hands on your lap. Did you eventually turn out to be the one who dreads commitment? Should you have never immigrated for love or has the blended family turned into an illusion? Journalist Hanneke Mijnster would like to ask you all about it. You can say anonymous. Mail to: hanneke.mijnster@rtl.nl.

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