“I don’t know if I still love him”

“Sometimes I get scared that after 10 years a child will stand at my door to tell my husband that he is his father. That is possible. My husband and I have been married for 26 years and his sex addiction has continued throughout our marriage. Watching porn, visiting prostitutes, webcam sex, erotic dating sites, And even cheating: my husband did it all.

porn books

My husband and I started dating when I was 18 years old. He was already very sexually oriented at the time: he wanted to quickly move beyond kissing and I knew he had porn books. Once we became sexually active, he would often like to: preferably several times a day. It was my first relationship, so I didn’t know any better. I thought it was normal and didn’t look for it. After we got married, I found out that he did more than just read porn books. Once upon a time we got a very high phone bill. I called the provider to ask how this was possible. It turns out that a lot of calls were made to the sex lines. When I was pregnant with our second child (we have three kids, they are now 16, 18 and 22), I found out the money was lost. When I confronted my husband about this, he admitted that he was a prostitute. awesome.

to be alone

He also had an affair with another woman for a while. I also found out with my phone bill. I saw that a certain number was sent too often. When I called this number, a woman answered. When I mentioned who I am, she said that apparently she could give my husband more than I could. I immediately hung up. When I confronted my husband, he denied that he was cheating. However, he later admitted to having an affair with her. They even did it in an unsafe way! We did an HIV test. Fortunately we do not have the disease. Over the past 20 years, it’s always been like this: I’ve always discovered something new. Then we would argue and sleep apart for two or three months. But she is still fine. Of course I sometimes thought: I would leave him, but I did not dare. Can I take care of my children on my own? I’m afraid to be alone. And I don’t want to fail. This is what a divorce would look like: like a failure.

double life

The turning point came three years ago. After I discovered something again – this time signing up for an adult dating site – something broke inside of me. When I captured and told the pastor’s wife from our village, she suggested that my husband might be addicted to sex. I searched the internet for more information on this and then everything fell into place. Everything I read was very clear: I didn’t have enough sex, always focusing on the act itself and not the person. This was also the case with my husband: he was so focused on the same sex that he forgot me as a person. He sometimes accused me of going to prostitutes because I wanted so little sex. But this is really nonsense: if he would pay more attention to me, I would make more sense. Three years ago, he finally realized that our relationship would be over if he didn’t do something about his problem. He went to treatment. Not just to do something about his sex addiction, but to also deal with his lying. It had become second nature to him. He’s lived a double life for years.”

to forgive

“My eldest child knows that their father and I have had problems and that he watches pornography, but they know nothing of his infidelity. I prefer to keep it that way, I don’t want to burden my children with it. Few friends know, I can always call them. But I have the biggest Some amount of support from the support group Stichting Kostbaar Vaatwerk, a foundation for partners of sex addicts.It’s really good to talk to people who really know what I’m going through.Who understands the feeling I have in my stomach when I walk into the room and see him shutting down his laptop.or when We sit together on the sofa watching TV and suddenly an advertisement for him appears Adam is looking for Eve pass by it. My husband and I are working hard on our marriage: in two weeks we will be going to couples therapy. And we still have sex. I have forgiven him now. Although it still hurts me that he’s dated another woman. If you go to a prostitute or watch pornography, you are not in a relationship with the person you are having sex with. In an affair, yes. I still find that difficult. If I have to be in the place where my husband has had a life, I’m literally sick of going there.”


“I don’t know what our marriage will look like in four years. I dare not look forward. I always consider the relapse: addicts can always go back to their old behavior. We are now out of the house and the middle is looking for a room. When the youngest leaves the house too, we will be My husband and I are just the two of us. I have no idea what it will be like. I don’t know if I still love my husband: does it feel familiar because we’ve been together for so long or is there still love? I really don’t know.”

The names in this article have been changed for privacy reasons.

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