Elissa (42 years old) chose an open relationship after her divorce. ‘I only make love to someone else if Dennis agrees’

The Zeitgeist explores the DNA of love: How does your parents’ relationship affect your own? Elissa (42 years old) chose an open relationship after her divorce. “Maybe my mother wanted it that way, too.”

Rick Bolins

“When I was thirteen I started dating Jesse, the boy next door. I was friends with his sister, and I went with her to major, but after a while, I was fixated on her brother. He became my first friend. I thought it was time. Now I think: thirteen That relationship lasted 25 years.

It soon got serious with Jesse. My mother prefers to see me do the things that teens do: go out, get drunk, come home late. She often said: Shouldn’t you go to town? No, I thought. At most I wanted to go to the movies with Jesse and then have a drink together.

My mother was always busy with her hair salon, downstairs in the garden room of our house. My father did not work and was rejected and was suffering from depression. He would often sit on the sofa and stare indifferently. If you ask him something you don’t really get an answer. The situation created tension between my parents.

When it turned out that my father had turned to a lady from the Music Association, my mother wanted a divorce. I had to go to court to say who I want to live with. Yet they stayed together. They tried to preserve their relationship. as it should. I saw it didn’t really work.

My mom is starting to live her sex life a little bit

My mother said she was 56 years old after my father died, and now I can finally remove the flowers. Apparently, for years, she felt the obstacles in her marriage. She started living her sex life a bit. In the seven years that she lived, she had ten husbands. ”

“I felt safe with Jesse, he took care of me. We moved in together when I was nineteen, we followed the wedding four years later. He arranged almost everything. He also made important decisions, like which house we bought. He worked hard so he could buy A boat, a caravan, a wine cooler—everything should always be bigger, nicer, more expensive, better and more fun.When I wanted to work four hours less to volunteer, he didn’t like it: You’re young, so you work full time.

It wasn’t until 25 years later that I dared admit: You are not the right man for me after all. I was in my late thirties, my mother had passed away, and I was being treated for an eating disorder. There I first learned to listen to myself. I thought: I now have the option to do it differently. We are divorced.

Not even Dennis and I’m fine

My life suddenly opened. It was scary, so I decided to do a lot of things that felt good and made me happy. This included dating. I said to my dates beforehand: I’ll see what happens: friendship or relationship or something Friends with benefits† This is when beautiful relationships were formed. I still have contact with some people.

I met my friend Denise at a spiritual center, at a tantric festival. I dated him and danced with him, but soon it got more serious. I don’t want a traditional relationship. I said I will not give up the relationships I have with others, they are also a part of me. he understood. We have been living together for two years.

We have an open relationship. Relationship with Denise is always the top priority. I can’t be with someone else until I feel like I’m fine.

There are agreements. If I want to see someone and feel like there will be love, I ask Dennis beforehand if he’s ok with that. Then he can say yes or no.

I hope my parents secretly look around the corner

“I like to feel free to show different sides to the people I meet. This can be a sensual or sexual aspect, but it doesn’t have to be. A meeting can also turn into an inspiring conversation. If you are only having sex, you should go to the swingers club.” Or you can hire a pimp.

I have relationships with men and women. Perhaps I am transgender, but such a term does not interest me, I follow my desires. Dennis sometimes says when I go out: It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you do it with your whole mind and heart.”

This is how we want to live. This works for us. I even prefer living in a community with people who all live this way. This is a dream of mine. Community with all lovely people. Connection in freedom.

Sometimes I hope my parents will secretly look around the corner to see that I’m happy. My mother always cried: go to the disco, go and do fun things. Well, this is what I will do. finally. I guess she might have wanted it that way too, if she was alive now.”

The names in this text have been changed. The real names are known to the editors.

Would you also like to do an interview about the influence of parents on your relationships? Send a mail to Relatiedna@trouw.nl

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