We all have moments of doubt, but how do you know if and when it still makes sense to work on your relationship? Two experts give advice.
The cake might just be gone – maybe one of them hasn’t been right for a while or he’s been insecure and the frantic aura times have caused a wrinkle in the relationship.
At first, it’s important to know what’s going on, says therapeutic relationship therapist Nina Odshorn. “If you have any doubts, check with yourself where they come from.”
“This doubt can be about something about you, but it can also be about your partner or the relationship itself. Suppose you’ve just become a parent. This can affect how you treat each other. You are not just a partner, but also a father or mother.” “
Find out how personal circumstances play a role
If these doubts seem to come from within you, according to Caroline Fransen, a coach and educator at the Academy of Relationships, it’s a good idea to check for yourself what role personal circumstances play. “A lot of what you can get stuck in in a relationship stems from the behaviors you learned as a child.”
“People who feel sad in a relationship are usually people who blame themselves.”
Caroline Fransen, coach and educator
It is important to avoid adjusting too much with your partner. “People who feel sad in a relationship are usually people who blame themselves. They think: If you come in and lower my demands, it’ll be okay. It’s not.” By scanning yourself, you will never align yourself. This is not a sustainable situation.
Doubts are part of it
If you notice that your relationship is different, Fransen says going to couples therapy may help. “It is important that you both realize that things are not going well and that you both have the motivation to work on it.” It’s not always enough for both of you to admit there are problems, she continued: “Since you don’t see your own patterns, it might be a good idea to talk to an outsider about that.”
“No relationship goes well, and doubts are part of it.”
Nina Odshorn, Relationship Specialist
Although it’s good to know what’s going on and what’s missing in your relationship, according to Oudshoorn, doubts don’t always have to mean something serious. “No relationship goes well, and doubts are part of it.” This is what feelings do to us, according to a relationship therapist.
Relationship doesn’t just happen
So skepticism is not necessarily bad. “It can also be an opportunity to understand yourself better and also to give your partner the opportunity to understand you better. And if it is clear what is wrong, you can discuss it. So it is essential that you communicate well and be able to talk about feelings,” Odshorn says.
“Don’t ask too much of each other, but keep seeing your friends too.”
Caroline Fransen, coach and educator
Fransen says you can learn that. “Do the communication exercises. Ask the other person what they need, there is a lot to gain. Many people are emotionally illiterate and have not learned to deal with emotions such as fear, sadness, and anger.”
The coach continues that a relationship doesn’t happen automatically: “We don’t learn that in school or from our parents. If you know yourself, you can learn to recognize when you become too dependent, for example, and what you can do to stop yourself from acting a certain way. To feel and to express it.”
Keep seeing your friends too
Plus, according to Fransen, it’s important to keep doing things. “Do not ask too much from each other, but also keep seeing your friends. It is good to keep doing something for yourself. For example, go and learn pottery or the language. In a good relationship you can not only have a good time together, but also yourself or with the others “.
If you can’t resolve it, it can be difficult to determine if and when the relationship ended. “There are no guidelines for that, you can’t be completely sure,” explains Oudshoorn. “It’s not about knowledge, it’s about feelings. What makes it complicated, according to a relationship therapist, is that we want to make sure we don’t make a mistake or regret it later.” But I think we can feel that deep down.”