Dating coach Denise Janmaat wrote a book: “Dating – When Your Partner Isn’t Around.” It tells you when you notice in yourself that you are ready to open up to a new love.
For anyone who has lost a loved one, a different grieving process follows. Dennis says this has something to do with the period before. “If someone dies suddenly, you are less able to prepare yourself for loneliness than if someone has had a long illness. Then of course you don’t know what it looks like yet, but you probably discussed it with each other and managed to prepare yourself for it.”
The dating coach explains that in the first months after death, your friends and family often ask you, for example, to come visit or go on a fun activity. These activities distract you from the situation. “This interest becomes less and less and then it becomes lonely. You know what it means to be with a partner, so this desire reappears. Only in most cases is this a natural reaction to filling the void and not because you are really ready for a new relationship.”
When can you notice in yourself that you are ready to open up to a new man or woman? Asking critical questions is an important factor, according to Dennis. “What kind of partner do I need now? Who do I want by my side right now? These are questions that you should be able to ask yourself to determine what kind of partner you are looking for. Then you can also find out during dating if this person really suits you.”
Denise also asks singles critical questions during her training. “Do you want to have what you can have? Or do you want to get what you really want? When you go for the first time, you are looking for a partner to fill the void and you take a lot of things for granted. If you go to the second, you really start to look around .Then you look at what could be the ideal partner for you.”
However, the latter is more difficult for the elderly than for the young. “When a partner dies, these couples are often together for a long time. For this reason, they may not have dated for thirty to forty years. They don’t know how to deal with it and there are also concerns about appearance or your age. This stress and uncertainty means that sometimes they They do not dare to look for someone whom they consider the ideal partner, but they often resort to the safe option. ”
Once you can open up to a new relationship, according to Denise, it’s important for both of you to choose a person in their entirety and that includes the past. “Your deceased partner was a part of your life. If you discuss how you want to deal with the previous relationship, it can actually be a means of communication to get closer to each other.”
And according to Denise, photos of deceased partners at home shouldn’t be a problem. “Only if you notice that you’re unable to move the picture from the windowsill to the bookcase, for example, because you’re afraid to forget your deceased partner, for example, that you might not completely finish the grieving process after all.”
Aside from these things, Denise’s top tip is that some seniors like to hold off as long as possible when they start dating again. “You also have to take the people who have supported you in your grief with you as to what is going on inside you.” Dennis explains that it’s important to tell your children, for example, that you feel ready for a new relationship. “If you tell them that you are starting to yearn for someone in your life again, they will understand you better and will realize that you are ready for a new step in your life. If you only tell this when you already have a new relationship and want to propose a partner, you are more likely to encounter a misunderstanding. Your loved ones can prepare for it.”
Another reason why it is so important to share your feelings with your loved ones is that you then say them out loud. “If I say out loud that I’m dating, how do you feel? Am I really ready? How do I respond to comments from others? These are again important questions to see if you’re really ready for a relationship. It’s not just a process with yourself, but also how your environment reacts to it.” And that does that to you,” says Dennis.