I’ve been in love with someone who doesn’t love me for years.

Unrequited love heartbreak ASK VICE

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At “Ask VICE” we answer your questions with the help of psychologists, experts and expert experts.

at ASK VICE We answer your life questions with the help of psychologists, experts and experience experts. Whether it’s unrequited love, annoying roommates, or a feeling of insecurity that bothers you after evening drink† Would you also like us to answer your question? Send an email to djanlissa.pringels@vice.com.

Hi VICE,

I am three years old now obsessed By someone who doesn’t care about me the same way. It makes sense that I know I shouldn’t expect anything more than this, but if I get a little attention from him, a letter or a hint of kindness, my head starts spinning again.

A. He is one of my best friends, we talk for hours on the phone, go out together regularly in a larger group, and he’s usually the center of attention. He is also someone who finds it difficult to stay in a relationship for more than six months.

He knows how I feel about him. She confessed to him once but he was with someone else at the time. He said then that if he had known earlier, things might have changed between us. Since then, he has had three more relationships.

Several times, after a few drinks, we even kissed and ended up in bed. Other times, he acts so far away that I have to “mute” him on social media and then avoid any contact.

Many of our mutual friends used to say, “Obviously there’s harmony between the two of you,” but now they’re saying, “Don’t play his game anymore.” I thought that at some point I would fall in love with someone else and stop thinking about A. that way. This did not happen.

I’m tired and frustrated. Sometimes I think it’s just an obsession, but I also feel like A. How do I get out of this situation once and for all? I’m 25, I must be old enough to understand that if someone doesn’t want me, they won’t.

Mr.

hello m.,

Therapists Federica Micale and Giulia Amicone are relationship specialists. They recently created a treatment service called collectibles flag† They are happy to help you with your love dilemma.

“When we crave a relationship with someone who doesn’t love us, an involuntary mechanism is activated in our brains,” they explain via email. “This is”Zeigarnik effectAfter the Soviet psychologist who discovered the effect. According to Zeigarnik, our brain is better at storing unresolved or aborted activities than at remembering completed activities. They continue: “It is as if we are constantly getting a message urging us to finish what we started.” “That’s why we get stuck in other than relationships that don’t satisfy us.”

You write in your letter that you are tired and frustrated. This is very understandable, because you are “stuck” in this situation for a long time. The therapists said, “The fact that you’re acknowledging that now makes you vulnerable, because you’re exposing yourself and that usually only happens when the need is great.” You can also “realize that you ended up in a situation that doesn’t work for you.”

The attention you get from “A” makes you confusing. Intimacy, and sometimes even love, gives you an adrenaline rush but also causes emotional pain, because there are also moments of separation. Even if you hate her sometimes, you’re used to this situation too, and you’re keen to break free from it.

Micale and Amicone think your question is whether A. intentional abuse It makes you a step in the right direction. For example, you should consider whether he used your help in the past but did not provide the same support when you needed it. Healers wrote: “He can ask for great favors, but do not return them so easily.” “He can assume he’ll see you soon, assuming you’ll do whatever it takes to be there.”

Furthermore, A may never make your case clear because his “need for attention outweighs his respect for the other person,” say the experts, because as you pointed out, A likes to be in the spotlight. Moreover, you have made it clear to him your feelings, and yet he refuses to give you an honest answer.

Since you like this person, these types of alarm bells will likely go off less loudly. You might be clinging to little things, like when he instantly replies to your Instagram post or calls you to meet, and you’re trying to see a deeper meaning in that. You might think that this is evidence that there is something, a relationship that you want, but it doesn’t really exist.

The next time that happens, try to “walk away a little,” experts say. Only then can you tell if you’ve “maneuvered into a dependency relationship that doesn’t do you any good.” They follow the second step is “give yourself time”. For example, you could start with “Do not change your plans if asked.” You will be amazed at how much difference you can make if you change your attitude towards him.

The fact that you don’t fall in love with someone else during this time may be because you haven’t met anyone you really love yet. But you can also check if you don’t want to give others a chance. Waiting too long for someone can make you low self-esteem It develops, making it difficult for you to enter into a new relationship. “Then when you meet someone who values ​​you, you start to doubt yourself and may find it easier to stay in your comfort zone.”

To be clear, experts are not suggesting that entering into a new relationship will be the answer. They think that the energy you put now into this perfect love is better spent on tangible experiences. In the meantime, it may be helpful to “focus only on your interests and share them with other people close to you, such as friends.”

To avoid relapse, you can work on your self-esteem, perhaps with the help of a therapist. If you feel like you’re over it, you might consider clearing things up with an A. “That can be liberating and you can end the gradual break-up process with that,” Micale and Amicone add.

Finally, the therapists would like to stress that it is not necessary to blame yourself for having reached this position at the age of 25. They wrote: “In life and in love, there are no scripts or protocols to follow.” “It is not your age that matters, but your emotional development and the stage you are in. We all have our own experiences and when we are ready we can learn from them.”

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