“We didn’t have to get used to each other, because we already know each other”


Max Kisman statue

Lillian (43): “I knew him from the camp 25 years ago, when we spent our free time there when we were an 18-year-old Frisian. Tall, handsome, brown eyes, brown hair. But in all honesty, it was not the person in the group that attracted me the most, he was completely calm.

We both even swiped right on Tinder a year ago, it wasn’t because I thought I could carry on a love from the past. I didn’t even recognize him. He did, and that was fine, because it allowed us to skip a lot of embarrassing introduction rituals – I hate Tinder, I just thought it was time to start dating again. Knowing who his parents were and where he came from creates instant intimacy I wouldn’t call a crazy crush.

However, it all happened very quickly. Four months after we got to know each other, we got to know each other again, we bought a huge farm together in Drenthe, while my working life still took place in the far west of the country. What made me so sure were the commonalities: We were at the same stage in our lives, and we had the same desires. It was teamwork that fueled love, not the other way around.

Divides between city and country

Although I have lived in Randstad for 22 years, it has become increasingly clear to me in the past two years that I want to go back to where I came from. I bought my first horse in The Hague – that was the first step. An oscillating step, dividing between city and country. When I fell with a horse and everything on Scheveningen Beach and ended up in the hospital with a severe concussion, I began to think, because suddenly there was all the time for that: It was Corona period, the world was silent What did I want in the second half of my life?

At first I called my sister to tell her I had a tentative plan to go back to the North. She offered me her home because she had temporarily found another place for herself. And so I was able to live on an experimental basis on my native land. A renewed acquaintance with a childhood friend was seamless. Where we initially wanted to leave it in one meeting due to the distance difference – “nice to see you again, a pity you don’t live near you” – now we begin to meet often.

It was a fairly practical consideration if you believed in this great eternal love, but perhaps I believe more in guidance and trust. Even great love cannot be separated from circumstances. How can you, as two adults with full lives, be in a relationship if you live two hours away from each other?

No hasty decision

Of course, we took the risk of signing that contract to buy that huge farm after only a few months – I haven’t met his kids yet. However, it didn’t feel like a hasty decision. I was actually working on a house myself when one night I said, “But I don’t want to live alone at all, I want to be with you.” Our relationship has matured at an accelerated pace, so to speak. Why waste years in two houses first, if we are already so sure of each other? We didn’t have to get used to each other, because we already know each other.

There was no doubt. We’re past the point where you ask each other endlessly about the family you grew up in. The intrigued revolve around each other and the desire to be affirmed by each other over and over again. The magic of this love lies not in its impulsiveness, but in its infinite joy. We get along naturally with each other. Happiness in our case is wanting the same thing and seeing all your desires in it. He replied, “You’re right, we’ll buy a house together. Others won’t understand, but who cares?”

Life on the farm

Ten years ago, things would never have worked out between us: he was still married and I was young and happy to move to Randstad. Now it is correct. A farm in Drenthe was a dream come true for him, too. Plus, he’s always wanted a ridge run as a dog. Just before we moved to the farm, we picked up the pup.

As mentioned, he has kids, but I never wanted to have kids, so there’s no pressure. We participate in arduous farm rebuilding plans, and share pets and horses. The chicken was too stressful for me, so I put it on Marktplaats. We share the lack of sky storm expectations, and we share love—mature, big, and ordinary.

The best moments are in the early morning at half past six on weekdays. We light the wood stove, have breakfast, drink coffee, and go the next day. What awaits us at work? Regarding the farm, are there still issues that need to be resolved? This morning we discussed the new pasture fence. What materials are we made of? And should we sow part of the land with grass this spring, so that the horses may graze on it next year? We said to each other: How are you this weekend, do we have time for that?

Small tokens of attention

This is how we make plans, as a team, as a unit. I’ve only lived together once before and I’ve always been very happy alone. When I was single, I didn’t miss friends so much during prime times, because in the great moments of mourning and happiness, there are always friends. But you need a relationship to be able to negotiate small, everyday decisions. And that’s exactly what makes me so happy right now. Make a comment on something trivial and note that even this is not remembered. Like saying I love cheese and one day I open the fridge and see dozens of different cheeses waiting for me. That and those other little tokens of interest—the “I love you” shopping list—make love as far as I’m concerned. ”

At the request of the interviewee, Lillian’s name was changed.
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This summer, too, we’re looking for readers who’ve been wanting to tell us about their holiday love—everything from little flirtation, jumping in to big love—from a long time ago or recently. Even when you’re no longer together. We also want to allow the fans involved to have their say; If necessary, we will search together.

sharing? Send a short explanation by mail to: deliefdevannu@volkskrant.nl.

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