Keeping your relationship fun can be quite a challenge sometimes. In any case, these things are best avoided.
1. Don’t put your partner at the bottom of your schedule
Because you are under stress at work. Too busy with kids. You still have to visit your parents, call a friend, or do chores. “The moment another gets the impression that work, study, sports, family and friends come first, that person feels taken for granted and not important enough to make an effort,” says Wendy Van Vosquelen, love expert and applied psychologist from De MatchMaker. .
The result: there is a separation between you, the other person can whine, withdraw, or please – at worst – pull the plug from the relationship. Wendy: “Honest self-reflection is very important. Is the other person lower on your priority list because there is temporarily no other option in the situation? Or do you know deep down that you might be less committed to your relationship? And are you willing to work on the latter, because, for example Example, do you see a pattern in past relationships, or are you saying that the other is not the other?”
Of course, you don’t always realize that you let your partner hang out a lot. “Have a mature conversation with your partner if you point it out. Find out why your behavior affects the other person so much and what you wish him/her about. Is your typical girlfriend’s Tuesday night really sacred, or can you also meet your partner to do something fun, because the rest of the week is Doesn’t your agenda suit you?”
advice: Look at your calendar from the past few weeks and count the time you spent quality time together. Watching TV together, sleeping and being with the kids doesn’t count! Research shows that couples have a total of seven minutes of quality time per day. How can you have a great relationship with each other when you are really connected for so short a time? See where you can make more time for each other: a casual date night, playing tennis together…and: put that phone away!
2. Keep your (clean) mom out of your relationship
There is nothing more unattractive than a (extremist) child from a mother, or a man who does not take sides with you in difficult situations with his mother. But it’s also possible the opposite: What would it be like for your partner if your mom cleaned every week, or ate together three times a week? Or is your harassment and quarrels known to her in detail and she shows that too? This can of course also apply to the relationship with your father, or with both parents.
Wendy: “It’s not okay for you or his mother to make you the third person in your relationship. No matter how close you are to your mother, it’s not healthy for trust and security in your relationship. Think about why your mother is so involved in your relationship. Would you say things to her that you wouldn’t say to your partner? Why? No? Instead of gossiping or running empty about your partner, start the conversation with him.” Of course, temporary intense contact with your mother is sometimes necessary. For example, because she is sick or your father just passed away. Wendy says, keep in touch with your partner. “It doesn’t have to be extensive every time, it can be a light check as well.” “My mother has been staying here for x weeks now, how do you feel about that?” If it is difficult for your partner, which by the way is not inferior to understanding That you would like to be there for your mother, you could consider sleeping with her a few nights a week and then reduce that. Or ask other family members or neighbors if they could help more.”
If it’s not temporary but you’ve always been very close to your mom, it might be time to start a conversation with her. You don’t have to be her best friend, you are her daughter. Wendy: “Encourage her to do new things, find new hobbies, and then leave her lovingly.”
3. Financial resources do not happen by themselves
No, you don’t have to have a conversation about every financial tip every week, but talking about money is very important in a relationship. It guarantees openness and equality. If you keep the topic silent, the opposite will inevitably happen. Check: How many women end up in trouble after a divorce because they had no idea what her fixed costs were during a relationship, and how much income was really required on her part? The opposite is true of course. Just as you don’t set a global trip or a full-scale renewal without a consultation without a consultation, you should also consult with finances.
Wendy: “Make constant agreements about money and review them with every big event in your life. My husband and I had our own bank accounts and our own expenses when we started living together. When we moved in together, we chose a joint account in which we deposited the same amount every month (of course, we don’t have to to be the same amount if the incomes are much different) from which we paid our fixed costs and joint trips and holidays. Later, when we entered into a cohabitation agreement and bought our first house, our entire salaries were immediately deposited into the joint account. All costs related to our children are also paid from The joint account. We have our own bank accounts for our own costs eg clothes, dinner or drinks where the other person is not present and subscriptions to our cell phones.” Something different can work for every relationship, but never think that finances will work alone.
4. Don’t let sex go down
Have you nearly eaten each other with desire during the first two years of your infatuation, once busy jobs and kids show up, sex is often one of the first things to go wrong. It’s a shame, says Wendy, because sex is one way (to keep) feeling connected to one another. Not having sex can lead to removal. The solution, she says, is to set priorities. “If you know you usually withdraw after 10pm, change something in your pattern. Don’t watch this movie together first, but go to the bedroom early, so you know you can still keep your eyes open. Aren’t you a night person at all? Then look Where you can create opportunities in the morning The baby factor shouldn’t make this impossible, although it totally depends on the age and sleep patterns of your offspring. Maybe you have work from home on the same day and you can seduce each other somewhere during the day, when The kids are in school or nursery school. It doesn’t take some premeditated coordination, because joining video meetings too late is not the intention either.” In short: see where you can be creative.
5. Don’t call him dad
Yes, for children, of course. But “Dad, are you going to walk the dog?” When the kids are in bed, it’s definitely not a warm-up for an exciting night. Unless you really ask your dad, of course — and you and your husband are having some quality time. In the midst of the chaos of family, work, sports, and social contacts, you may almost forget that you are a partner, not a business that you call a family. We call it honey, honey, or just by its name: everything is fine. But the title “Father” is for your children when it comes to your partner (who is also their father). Do you feel warm when he calls you “Mom” during a romantic dinner together? OK then.
6. Don’t constantly criticize your partner
Sometimes it drives you crazy if he again misses the kids, forgets to put the trash outside or gets stuck at soccer for the third time that week and comes home drunk. However, Wendy warns that he’s a relationship killer, he’s always judgmental, criticizing everything and complaining instead of asking what she needs. “You spoil the house, you never listen, you are too stubborn/selfish/lazy/jealous.” It’s all negative communication and a way to send your relationship into a negative spiral. You can’t have a real conversation if you put someone’s back against a wall, which makes constructive communication impossible. Speak from an I-form, identify your feelings, be constructive (avoid words like “always” and “never”), and identify how you like them or what you need.”
The danger in extending this deadly relationship, she says, is “Libra”: everything you wish to give the other person broadly is tied to what the other person is willing to do for you. “It is important to have a general feeling of equality, to make an effort for each other, to help each other and to do something that makes the other person happy. But with true love you don’t need anything in return, do you?”
7. Never lose interest in the other person’s experience
Do you know your partner’s dreams, goals and interests? What does he enjoy, what causes him stress, what are his beliefs and desires? Do you know what are the most beautiful and fiercest life events in each other’s lives? To keep your relationship strong, says Wendy, it’s important to go deeper. “It’s not that you know what his favorite leisure activities are, but if your other half loves art, you know who his favorite painter is. You know the names of my dear and annoying colleagues at work. Getting to know each other’s (experience) world takes some effort. Now and then The other, proactively start a good conversation with a question about life and make time each day to ask about the other’s day. The more you know and understand each other, the easier it is to stay in touch.” As you say, don’t forget to express your love and admiration every now and then. “Research shows that people in an unhappy relationship only notice half of the positive interactions that actually happen. What qualities, personality traits, and actions do you value in your partner? And do you let him know that in the moment? When he is cooking your favorite dish, for example?” Regularly empathize with the other’s good qualities, especially when you are struggling with the other’s flaws. This way it stays with irritation and prevents deeper removal.
8. Don’t bury it in your emotional baggage
Everyone has a past with them and everyone has fears or concerns. It’s not a bad thing if you can explain it yourself, discuss it openly and not show it to your partner. If you do the latter, it could be disastrous for your relationship, warns Wendy. “For example, the fear of attachment and/or separation can manifest itself in all kinds of ways. In attracting and repelling, for example, something that can make the other person feel not only insecure, but also worthless or even fearful. Power Games On Jealousy or Testing Your Partner: How Does He Cope When You’re Flirtating with Another? Don’t!
Consider first: To what extent does this behavior say something about your self-esteem, insecurity, and something that you still have to explain in terms of emotional burden? Then tell your partner honestly, ask them to help you with this and seek professional help if necessary. No partner has to pay for what others have done to you in the past.
Text: Gorend Banner
Thanks to: Applied psychologist and love expert Wendy van Voskuilen, www.dematchmaker.nl
Photo: Getty Images