I always felt uncomfortable. It took me a long time to find the word that covers how I felt as a child and teen. My mother said a while ago: She wasn’t comfortable. I thought: Yes! This is.
I was a boyish girl. I cut my hair once in elementary school. He was asked are you a boy or a girl. It felt good, but I also found it confrontational.
There was always drama about my clothes. My mom bought me dresses and skirts. I thought: I’m tough, I don’t want these things. I preferred to wear shorts and shirts. I was very jealous of my brother. He was what I wanted to be and he had boxer shorts that wide. When I was 10, my cousin gave me a yellow checkered T-shirt. I wore it torn.
I remember crying when I realized I wasn’t going to be a boy. I was in 8th grade, I thought I should stay like this until I died.
I got out when I was 16 years old. I loved girls. My parents didn’t mind that I was a lesbian. That was a relief, though I had no reason to believe they would be angry. My mother even said, “We really doubt it.” I thought: “Nice then, he said.” My girlfriend was just allowed back to us.
However, my troubled feeling did not go away after that. I knew about gay couples where one was stricter, and more masculine than the other. I thought: This is me. W: There is nothing better than this.
I was 21 when I accidentally watched an American documentary on TV about a transgender man. I open my mouth. I didn’t know it existed. I thought: this is it. I searched on google like crazy. I found out that there is a sex clinic, which is part of the VUMC in Amsterdam. I took twenty twenty deep breaths and called. Two weeks later, I was able to go to the outpatient clinic to eat.
This route is cautioned. Logically. I had to talk to a psychiatrist six times. Essential Question: Do you really want this? Yes Yes. yes! I wanted this. Then she was put on a waiting list for hormone therapy. Ten months later it was my turn. finally. I remember well, the psychiatrist called and said, “You can start.”
Then I had to tell her at home, and to the rest of the family. I suddenly couldn’t reach my grandmother with a mustache. I told my mother while walking the dogs. She wasn’t really jumping. Slim’s body was cut against her. What if we regret? How do people who know you as a girl react? I understand her doubt. At the same time, you were hoping for support.
My parents also went to the gender clinic. The three of us met the psychiatrist. It scared me to say I wasn’t happy with my body. And if I stay that way, I don’t want to get old. I was afraid they would think it was their fault. In the end it turned out to be a good conversation.
I was very jealous of my brother. It was what I wanted to be
I grew up in Spijkenisse. There she played hockey for years in the girls’ team. Hockey was my passion, although at some point I no longer wanted to wear a skirt. Before I went into transition, I moved to Delft. I went to study at HALO [lerarenopleiding voor lichamelijke opvoeding in Den Haag, red.]† I wanted to come back as Renault. Later I heard from people that it was as if I had suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth.
I got a lot of support from the support group with people like me. Of course, I was in transition and that made it even better. But there was also pain and sadness. You’d better be born as a boy right away. Or as a girl and you think that’s fine. The people in the support group understood me like no other.
Before my first injection I was nervous for a week. I was afraid to sleep through the alarm clock. I finally got that shot. And then nothing happened. I was very tired. But in the months that followed, my body changed. I felt better and better. Hormone therapy spread quickly and well above average. Who got that full beard, other trans men have asked me. From my father, I think.
I was very much looking forward to the surgery to remove my breasts. I always hated them. I told my mom, “I’m going to cut them.” It took two processes to get it right. I got a tattoo on the scars. It looks very good. Uterus and ovaries are also gone. Not because I wanted to, but because I had a uterine rupture. Since then I feel better.
I was insecure, especially in the early years after moving. When the guys on my men’s hockey team yelled, “What a flop!” I was shocked. Did they see anything? You grew up as a girl, and that also has an effect on your condition. As a gym teacher, I can sometimes be kinder to kids than other guys.
At first, my family and friends had to get used to calling me Renault. Now no one is wrong. More and more people only know me as a man.
It feels good to me. natural. Now I am what I should be. I look in the mirror and think: that’s what I meant, even better.