Lots of sex a relationship needs


Sexual therapist Carla Rutgers:

What are the stages of a relationship?

“You have a comfort phase, where there is no sex. There is a weird phase, where you two discover each other, or wonder what might be in the way of sex. And there is a routine phase: having sex with some method that you keep repeating, which makes it boring.”

What is the most you see in practice?

“A difference in desire. For many people, sex becomes a loaded subject, which causes tension. One can fire up “hyposexuality”; a person freezes and does not feel aroused anymore. Or hypersexuality can arise: someone let go of all the brakes. If one spouse is hypoglycemic and the other is excessive, it is difficult to bridge the difference. I see that happens a lot.”

So, does it make sense every now and then, for the people and the country?

“Stop, stop. So the most needy is the norm and the other has to adapt? It works in the opposite direction: the person will have to relieve his need. You are responsible for yourself, you cannot leave this with your partner. This is a recipe for problems.”

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Can a relationship become sexless?

“The less sex you have, the less need. This is determined biologically, especially in women. But there are many different types of relationships. Lots of people are outwardly in love, but have been living as brother and sister for years. Making love is certainly not a necessity. It is important that Sexual energy continues to flow. The combination of substances released during arousal and orgasm is very healthy. You can also get some from shopping or going out to dinner. But the “happiness substances” secreted during sex are unique, such as oxytocin. This hormone creates a relationship deeper with each other, which makes the frictions in the relationship less problematic.”

How do you generate this flow of energy?

The sex party is often over within ten minutes, but our bodies feel a lot more when we take the time to do so. Wait twenty minutes after you touch each other. Feel what this excitement does to you. It passes through your whole body, giving sensations. Highly recommended.”

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Relationship therapist Kim Cromwick:

Why not answer the question of how often should we do this in our relationship?

“In my work, I get this question a lot. But it gives a lot of pressure when you talk about frequency of sex. I have many clients who haven’t had sex in years. They read somewhere: ‘Twice a week?’ We don’t have that and so we don’t go well together. Nobody gains anything from it.”

What should we look at?

“Sex automatically means penetration for many couples, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s about what you can give and receive. Some couples feel such a connection with each other that they can experience it. Also with something like anal sex for example. But then you have to For the relationship to be good on an emotional level, of course, otherwise the boundaries will be crossed.”

What if there is no sex?

“A man seeks love through sex, and a woman first through passion and then through sex. That is the big difference. If a man does not have sex, he can become emotionally closed, so that a woman feels rejected for what she finds important. If someone thinks: If you give a hug Now, he or she wants sex right away, and that hug sometimes doesn’t come. But we miss it. There’s a lot of sadness there, because of the lack of closeness and connection.”

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How do you restore this connection?

“Find out each other’s desires. From washing each other’s hair to the swinger club: What do you really want with each other and from each other? What degree do you give oral satisfaction to? The partner is often surprised: “Hey, can I only have 3?!” If you are thinking about shopping while making love, explain to the other person how you want it. It might feel a little uncomfortable at first, but if you can be honest about it together, it will have a binding effect. Start the conversation and treat it positively. The idea: We haven’t had sex for a year. But more than the idea: I long for you so much.”

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Gynecologist Manon Kerkhove:

Is there anything about the amount required in the “User Guide” for gender?

“Let me state that it basically comes down to how much sex you want. Sex is not a biological necessity. It’s true that if the vagina is never penetrated, it can become stiffer, tighter and tighter. The mucous membrane also becomes thinner, so the vagina becomes drier and less elastic. It’s because of less blood flow. If this is the case, you need a little more stimulation and stimulation before you get wet. That’s very normal.”

So be patient?

“If you don’t keep working, it will take a while before your body thinks: Oh yeah! These are stimuli, I have to turn the device on and make sure the vagina is wet. But using it or missing it is also a psychological thing. If you haven’t had sex since Period, you’ll think, OK, I don’t really miss it. That’s because your brain has forgotten how much fun it could be.”

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How do you ensure unforgettable sex?

Expand your repertoire, if necessary. Couples often do the same thing, sex is fairly predictable, always with the same situations. And forget the story that sex by definition should be penetrative. Sex is also the game it’s about. And if you think: Hey, I notice it’s going to hurt a little, stop and find out where the pain is coming from. Is there pressure, are you unrelenting, are you no longer in love with your partner, or is there something anatomical going on?”

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Sexologist Astrid Kremers:

You say: Everyday sex is essential in a relationship. Excuse me?

“Give yourself the opportunity to express your sexual orientation every day. Sex has to do with romance, sexual play, courtship, sensual contact, affection, pleasure, desire, and passion. This is what differentiates a love relationship from friendship. Sex is not synonymous with intercourse.”

How often is this desirable?

“The frequency of intercourse says nothing about how good your relationship is. What matters is that what is happening is enjoyable. You can have intercourse only if you want to and feel aroused and relaxed. Unfortunately, many women have sex when these conditions are not present, resulting in Often to pain. I come across a lot of couples who don’t have intercourse, but have a very enjoyable sex life. Sex is not a performance, but an experience.”

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How do you make this experience as enjoyable as possible?

“Feeling, connecting and adjusting. I don’t want people to do anything because they have a picture in their heads of what real sex should be like. If what happened was nice, women would be more interested in it. Harmonize every second with each other and with yourself too: what do you like?” And what do I like? It is usually done in a non-verbal way, but sometimes it is also necessary to really talk about it. ”

What if you both speak a “different language”?

“Laughter together over the differences can set the record straight. And look for areas where you can find each other. Focus on what you share, not the differences. Give each other loving attention and find the balance between give and take. Never think: Who says “a” He should say B. Just because you gave that hug doesn’t mean more has to happen. It’s about sharing beautiful experiences that you two can enjoy.”

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Sex coach Tanya Mulder:

Explain it more closely, these two times.

“Once I focused on lust and once on experience. As we get older, we often take a more relaxed approach to sex and don’t think much about hesitation. But there is a lot of sadness and misery between the sheets. Sex is and remains a taboo and frustration with difference in need is common.”

How can this difference be explained?

Society focuses on the masculine way of having sex. Direct, purposeful, working to achieve orgasm as quickly as possible. You have people who can get excited in less than a minute. Two out of ten women can do this as well, but mainly men can do this. This sex lust is beneficial to them. But many people are more inclined to experiment; They are excited about what is happening at that very moment. You need two people for that. And this is where we go wrong. When sex is gone, couples lose intimacy.”

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How do you solve that?

“I know there’s more to orgasmic sex. If you focus only on erotic sex, the phrase might go away. Especially in women. I personally have been the woman who doesn’t feel it anymore and it has cost me my relationship. Talk to each other about the kind of sex you need.” If it makes a difference, do it a little faster once, and focus more on lust. And the other time in a way that bothers and seduces you and takes your time and finds that connection. This approach saved my relationship.”

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Pelvic physiotherapist Rhea Cornelis:

Introduce yourself…

“A lot of women experience pain during sex, where penetration is not possible. Our biggest sexual stimulus comes through our skin. This is why it is so good for so many to view hugging as a form of sex. However, often Penetration is felt like a thin layer on the cake when it comes to sex. For both partners.”

Why doesn’t it work sometimes?

“If there was a penetration in the past, while your mind was elsewhere or not yet excited, you may have had an unpleasant experience. The next time your body reacts to a penetration: the head is ready, but the body is thinking: Go, shut down The Door. ”

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How do you solve this?

“By relaxing. Pay attention to your breathing and learn to control your pelvic floor muscles. Train alone or with your partner. Take a look: Where is that muscle, can I feel it, can I tighten and loosen it? Then you can see if you can gently lengthen your body with, say, a bar or a tampon.”

Final advice?

“When you go into menopause, penetration can hurt. Lubricants can help. Be patient and prepare for sex.”

Read more: valleyorgasme.nl, getcheex.com, happyplaytime.com, taniamulder.nl (blog and podcasts), purplekeizerin.nl

Isabelle WellinkGetty Images.

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