At “Ask VICE” we answer your questions with the help of psychologists, experts and expert experts.
at ASK VICE We answer your life questions with the help of psychologists, experts and experience experts. Whether it’s about unrequited love, annoying roommates, or the feeling of insecurity that bothers you after a night of drinking. Do you also want us to answer your question? Send an email to email@example.com.
It’s been three months now with my girlfriend, who I’ve been with for a year and a half. She’s asked me not to call her for a while, but I’m finding that hard. For me she is. I’m having a hard time figuring out if I should try to make up for it or not.
I met her at the bar, and a few months later we were together. She was 17 and I was 23. Two months later the quarrels began, sometimes fierce. We were able to talk about it well, but there were also many difficult moments.
Looking back, I see that many of these arguments were caused by my behaviour. You did everything for me, put a lot of effort into our relationship. I also liked to do a lot for her, but I also became more and more apathetic and more at ease. She would often tell me that she didn’t like my lack of enthusiasm and that I took it for granted. I can be hypocritical and possessive too. If she was drunk or on drugs, I could make it a problem the next day. But I was allowed to do it myself. When I went out for a night out, everything she did had to take into account what I was thinking about her behavior. She was constantly afraid of being cranky. I felt less and less comfortable, and eventually ended our relationship.
Because I talked about it so much with my sister, I realized I was wrong. I defined her in her happiness, while I just want her to be the best version of herself. I also ignored the signs she gave me of her displeasure. I thought it was okay.
We were still in touch a week after we broke up. She was very kind, but indicated that she did not want to contact, otherwise she would not be able to process the relationship. At first I kept trying to contact her. I was emotional and wanted her attention, but that became too much for her. I tried to respect her wish, but after a few weeks I sent her a long letter saying that I thought she had let me down. That was stupid.
Then we had a long WhatsApp chat and that’s how I found out that she is now busy with other guys. I was only interested in my own feelings and kept bothering me because I wanted to see them. Then we called for another hour. She did it to please me, because she really finished my bullshit. The next day I realized how annoying I was. Then I sent her another message, telling her I saw exactly what she had done wrong, and that she was a very beautiful person. I mean that too.
My friends and relatives told me to give up the relationship and take care of myself. I’m fine, but I still think about my ex every day. I just feel like I want to fight for it. I can’t get it out of my mind, and I’m convinced that one day we’ll be fine – one way or another. I just don’t have the patience anymore. What should I do? Do you still hope that things will work out between us, now that I understand what I did wrong before?
Heartbreak is a bitch, so it’s totally normal for your brain to feel like a scrambled egg some days. Psychologist Petra van der Heyden has written an entire book on heartbreak. In it, she says that heartbreak is similar to the grieving process you go through when someone you love dies. When you are in a relationship with someone, you become more attached to each other, until you are all intertwined. If this relationship ended completely unexpectedly, it can be difficult to untie. To do this, you have to struggle through all kinds of difficult stages, Van der Heyden wrote. Either way, it’s a vexing issue.
She wonders if you can hold on to the hopes that things will work out between the two of you. We can’t answer that, but we can help you organize your thoughts, and hopefully give you some mental peace this way.
“I read in your letter a lot of feelings, as well as a large part of self-reflection,” he says. Relationship Wizard Joey Sturgeon. “You obviously had a rough time. I think it’s courageous to be able to go back to your own behavior and role in the relationship. It shows that you are open to development and growth.”
According to Storer, it’s important to consider the dynamics between you and your ex. You write that you are becoming more and more indifferent and that you can be possessive at the same time. Where do you think this behavior comes from? For example, did you receive a certain image of love and relationships in your childhood? “I often learned the way to deal with conflict and crises in the family I grew up in. This is where survival mechanisms often develop,” says Store.
We can’t say if this is really the case based on message alone, but according to Storer, it’s entirely possible to become jealous and possessive just by feeling insecure. “It’s a basic need to feel seen and loved,” she says. If that doesn’t work, or if you Believes If that doesn’t work, you may go back to the survival mechanisms you taught yourself as a child.
Your reaction to conflict (becoming jealous, or quite the opposite) doesn’t have to be limited to a relational context. You may react the same way in other situations. It is true that these types of reactions can be amplified within a love affair. “This is because you are very close to each other, and therefore you can get hurt more quickly,” Storer adds.
“Although you now recognize this behavior in yourself, it is not clear that this pattern was immediately broken,” says Store. “It’s fine that you dare look at your own behavior, but it’s possible that you and your ex will revert to the same patterns once you get back together.” It may also be that you are simply at a different stage in life, for example because of your age difference, so that there is a difference in needs. In this case, you can still make a lot of effort to change, basically you might just want something different.
Heartbreak is annoying, but it can also be a good time to get to know yourself and learn from your mistakes. It’s a state that you actually want to change for yourself, and not just as a nod to your ex. This process requires attention, time and place. The intention cannot be changed for the sake of the former. If you do, you will be back to your old patterns in a very short time, because you will not last.”
According to Store, realize that no matter what you tell her, you can’t make your ex change his mind. “You get panicked and stressed, because you’re afraid you may have lost her permanently. So you go through a whirlpool of emotions and from that anxiety you send messages to her now,” says Store. “You can’t influence it, but you can influence how this breakup will affect you in the long run.” No matter how difficult it may be, it is important that you honor her request by not calling her. If you feel the need to tell her something, write it down in a letter that you don’t send. It’s good to have a place where you can vent your thoughts and feelings.
Your relationship is over, but love usually doesn’t go away so quickly. It is normal to feel sadness and pain. According to Store, despite the sadness, you should also try to cherish what’s going on we will Your relationship went well. “Try to end the situation feeling warm for now — no matter how difficult it may be,” she adds.
All you can do now is learn how to put up with a breakup. Give yourself time and energy to process everything. Don’t be afraid to ask for support from friends and family. It’s good to work on yourself, but also be kind to yourself. As unbelievable as it may seem now, one day this sadness will go away.