Now say: I won’t do it again

Have you ever stuck your girlfriend’s head in the car door? Did you slap the announcer in the face during the Oscars? Do you keep the most interesting roles in your performance for employees who also want to have sex with you? Or do you show your female colleagues more of your private members than they would like? Apologize! You can save your relationship with him, continue to work together in a professional way, and it will make you feel like a better person.

So why don’t we do it, or do it so badly that we make things worse? Because saying “sorry” isn’t for the faint of heart, of course. It is humiliating. You have to take responsibility and may change your behavior. You shouldn’t be afraid of losing your relationship, your job, or – if you’ve really messed up – your savings.

All these reasons, and the uproar made by some guilty parties over the request for an apology, have led to the professionalization of the apology in recent years. Companies have standard data ready in their emergency procedures, and some lawyers and image consultants specialize in it. Within a few hours they conjure up a different kind of sentence: “If I hurt someone, I’m sorry.”

Saying “sorry” is not for the faint of heart. It is humiliating. You have to take responsibility and may change your behavior

This sentence has lost a little of the value it once had in recent years. Sentences containing “if” are conditional. So you say you don’t believe someone got hurt. You abuse the ambiguity surrounding the word “feelings” to deny that you have done anything wrong. After all, everyone has feelings, you can really hurt them without even realizing it. But in the dozens of cases where the phrase has been coined in recent years, there has always been more to it than imagine. By insinuating that someone is overly sensitive, you blame them.

Mr. Mi Too

So you shouldn’t apologize. Don’t do it if you don’t mean it. How many times have you thought: “He has absolutely no regrets, he’s just sorry about this coming out”?

This is at all times, but it was very thick Mr. Mi Too Himself, Harvey Weinstein. Hours after Judy Kantor and Megan Toohy in New York times He revealed that he had paid at least eight women to cover up sexual harassment or assault, and the newspaper received a long and well-written letter from his lawyer. Halfway through, Weinstein said, “I realized that the way I’ve dealt with my colleagues in the past has caused a lot of pain, and I sincerely apologize for that.” I wrote that letter after one of eight cases that did not lead to a change in his behavior. His sincere apologies were worth nothing.

When Marc Overmars was introduced to Antwerp, he said: “It’s unfortunate what happened, but it’s time to turn the page.” As if he witnessed a natural disaster that was not his fault

When you apologize, don’t pretend to be the victim. Don’t write “I think everyone can learn from my mistakes”, like the British editor-in-chief Jay Times Ever, unless you are anxious to offend the part of the world’s population that can keep their hands to themselves.

Don’t resort to the “changing zeitgeist” as Weinstein did, as if there was a period when women thought sexual assault was okay, and as if the anger and grief about that style would pass. Psychologist Stephen Blumenthal points out that siblings are more likely to say “sorry” to each other than older relatives to younger ones, and colleagues in the same job are faster than superiors to subordinates. It is no coincidence that the things that make the media revolve around athletes, their coaches, their students, their professors, their representatives, their managers, their trainees and their managers. There is pride and prestige that must be protected at all costs.

But it is best to apologize as soon as possible after the mistake directly to the person who mistreated you. By apologizing to the academy, audience, and viewers at home, but not Chris Rock, Will Smith insulted the comedian a second time. He deprived him of the opportunity to help quell the scandal and settle their old dispute.

Greetings from Thailand

Jan Fabre had made more of an impression by reading his apologies himself in court, where his former employees were seated, than by having them read by his attorney, Ellen Tretzmans. In addition, this letter was four pages long. Although Faber writes “I offer my sincerest apologies to those who feel hurt” – there are those subjective feelings again – but the rest is about himself and his work. Once verbose, it becomes a defense, not an apology.

Why doesn’t Marc Overmars want to say sorry

This is also in The art of apologizing From management professor Beth Boleyn of Eastern Kentucky University. She says that good excuses contain at least one of the following six elements: You say you regret what you said or did. Explain why or how it happened without exonerating yourself. You acknowledge your responsibility. You repent. You make a suggestion to correct it. She asks for forgiveness.

Screams on social media this weekend, when Lil Klein announced on Instagram that he’s in Thailand, as a friend who’s making himself heard. The rapper’s absence was due to pre-trial detention imposed on him, after videos emerged in which he slammed his car door several times on the head of his girlfriend Jimmy Weiss. Some Buddhist monasteries in Thailand are famous for their anger management and drug addiction treatments (we couldn’t resist, sorry*). But Lil Klein wouldn’t say why he’s in Thailand: then you shouldn’t be shocked if everyone blames you for going on vacation now.

Like football coach Marc Overmars, his lawyers may have advised Lil Klein not to apologize, because it’s like admitting guilt. When the Overmars were introduced to Antwerp, he said, “It is unfortunate, but now is the time to turn the page,” as if he witnessed a natural disaster that was not his fault.

beth boleyn books The art of apologizing In 2012, five years before MeToo. We would like to add to her advice: Ask the victims what they think should be done after an apology. In most cases of aggressive behavior they basically want the behavior to stop. There, too, courts and brokers, before MeToo, do more harm than good. They offered reparations, which women often did not demand, as the most severe punishment. Only lawyers who took part of this money benefited from it. Not the victims who were humiliated a second time, nor the perpetrators who can now say they are only after money.

And it is the worst result, because whoever asks for an apology asks for respect. “Honest apologies come from the will to affirm and care for the other person or her,” Blumenthal says. “Don’t be ashamed of him or her. We live in a judgmental culture, not an investigative culture. A culture that prefers identifying who committed misbehavior rather than figuring out what went wrong and why.”

Everyone makes some terribly embarrassing mistakes in their life, but you can only overcome shame if you dare to admit the damage and fix it where possible. Dare because as we said: Sorry is not for the faint of heart.

*But not really

Leave a Comment