If you’re the first mom in your friend group: “Communication is often more difficult” | family

mother’s miseryThere are those expectations about motherhood that don’t quite come true once the time comes. Sometimes you are completely amazed at what is happening to you as a person, to your body, or to your environment. You read in this column every week what no one has told you about being a mother, but what you would have liked to know. This time: if you’re the first mom in your friend group.

No more spending an hour on the phone every day, skipping late drinks, and misunderstandings if you don’t “take your little one with you” to this fun festival. Being the first mom in your friend group can have a huge impact. Women’s mental trainer Kimberly Holling knows this, too. I’ve come across many women in my clinic who have experienced this, and I’ve been aware of it since I became a mother. Connecting with some friends became even more difficult because they could not empathize with my new situation.”

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Other priorities

As a coach for mums, Holling regularly hears how painful it can be to be the first mom in your friend group. Of course, if your corners fall, it will do a lot for you. When you become a mother, you adjust your priorities: other things suddenly become more important than your friends and this can lead to misunderstandings. Meanwhile, you are doing your best to discover who you are as a mother, there is a child who is completely dependent on you and you still want to spend time with your partner. That’s a lot,” says Holling.

lonely and insecure

According to the coach, mothers in this situation often feel lonely: the people you spent a lot of time with suddenly do not feel well anymore. “The group you initially selected may not feel appropriate anymore. You may also feel insecure, because it seems that friends who have no children criticize you. They will do it this way if they are a mother, or say something can be done despite your child You know it stems from inexperience, but still,” Holling explains.


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Calling some friends became even more difficult, because they could not empathize with my new situation

Kimberly Van Holling

According to Houweling, stating what you’re experiencing and what you want is a first step to getting the relationship back to normal. “It can pay to find a compromise. Mention that something can no longer be done late at night and ask if something can be done during the day? Once lunch or tea, and again dinner or a drink, for example Decide for yourself what is important to you and your child, and be open about that with your friends.”

It’s time for yourself

Meanwhile, Holling knows from her work and her own experience how important it is to be yourself in addition to being a mother. So those connections that aren’t just about kids can be very valuable. That way you continue to care about who you are,” she explains. “Let yourself out of that baby bubble every now and then: If you do nice things for yourself, without your baby, it will reflect on your motherhood. You just need that energy. I’m convinced of that.”

If you really don’t have enough connection as the single mom in your friend group, Howling advises finding some like-minded contacts. “It doesn’t have to be complicated at all. Many community centers organize fun things for mom and baby, but you can also go swimming for the baby. This way you add people to your network who understand you, because they have a baby in the same age group. Your friends will be there for everything.” else “.



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